Only children: selfish, spoilt and unsociable are just a few of the words that come to mind. As an only child myself, I’ve always wondered why the more complex reality isn’t discussed and, more importantly, what bearing my upbringing as an ”only” has on my personal relationships.
There is some truth to the premise that only children demand more attention. When a child has been indulged, it develops an ego structure in which it has to be the centre of its universe. As a grown-up, that person will want to be special in every relationship, and so will be demanding.
But the overriding sense is that, while many people understand how to conduct relationships on every level, somehow the only child has missed out on some vital social mechanics. The older you get, the more it sinks in that there’s some software missing from your emotional computer.
The absence of siblings means that only children are used to relating to others with a high degree of intensity. Intensity is, in fact, what characterises most relationships for adult only children. In terms of friendship, it’s not that friendship is hard to come by, more that it’s not taken lightly.
”Only children are enormously loyal and value friendships tremendously,” says psychotherapist Pam Allsop, herself an only child.
If friendships are under constant scrutiny for being ”real”, love and relationships are constantly tested. We don’t seem to ”chill out and see what happens”.
Fun is a difficult concept for only children, because they didn’t get to muck around with siblings. So, as an adult, an only child feels that the fun is somewhere else: not too bad if you’re wondering whether you went to the wrong Christmas party, but hell if you’re questioning a relationship.
Commitment-phobes should avoid dating adult only children. Not because the only child is likely to prefer commitment, but because the only child will put the relationship through rigorous tests. As one ex-boyfriend commented, three months with an only child is like three years with anyone else.
Those who can’t bear analysing relationships should steer clear of only children, too; according to the same ex, it’s like being on Oprah 24 hours a day.
The anxiety attached to intensity creates a fear of relationships, too. ”Most adult only children experience some ambivalence about intimacy and oscillate between wanting to be close and wanting to be alone,” says Tony Walker, who used to run a discussion group for adult only children.
While most people believe only children to be solitary figures, what we actually have is the innate capacity to be alone. We’d rather have a good night in than risk a dud night out. But there is also a drive to be with people and this is what makes us good at socialising.
The ability to be self-reliant is an advantage, but in terms of getting into a relationship it can backfire. Take being self-sufficient, add the high level of expectations of any relationship (and the disappointment that comes with that) and you have an adult who doesn’t get into relationships easily.
The need to be adored is even stronger in an only child and attention becomes a symbol of love. But the trick with adult only children is to understand what attention means; it doesn’t have to mean a constant involvement — it’s quality not quantity that counts. — (c) Guardian Newspapers 2002