Last week our financially crippled airline, South African Airways (SAA), announced it will be spending in excess of R30-billion — that’s right folks, thirty billion rand — on updating its fleet. But don’t let this worry you. The decision was taken by exactly the same cluster of SAA eggheads who employed Coleman Andrews.
According to the airline’s CEO, the famous corpse-impersonator André Viljoen, SAA has decided to buy Airbus aircraft because they have four engines and are therefore more suitable for long-distance flying. In order to acquire these rare four-engined Airbuses, SAA will be flogging off its fleet of four-engined Boeing 747s, which can only carry about 20% more passengers and freight than the Airbuses can.
This is known as being faithful to the Coleman Andrews “keep your airline nice and runny” tradition. Only two years ago Coleman changed the entire SAA fleet to Boeing by selling off all its remaining Airbuses.
What will be puzzling to those loyally blind who still actually use SAA, is how the airline expects to pay for these Airbuses. You can take it as read that SAA will shortly grossly increase fares while blaming it on the rand/dollar exchange rate, and will once again be severely reducing leg room. But this won’t be nearly enough. Thirty billion will need some more serious asset-stripping as well. For those who have been watching the latest SAA tragi-comedy, the answer was in fact hinted at a few weeks back when SAA announced it was embarking on a plan to rid itself not only of Boeing products but of all its experienced pilots as well.
SAA is going to become what’s known as a “direct entry” airline. Gone will be all those tedious 12- to 15-year “apprenticeships” where younger aircrew fly as co-pilots and gain all manner of experience and aviation wisdom before they get command status. Now SAA is going to import its captains from a brimming world marketplace in otherwise unemployable flying staff, notably the Russian Aviation Used Pilots Exchange, which has on offer any number of those East European aviators who somehow have managed to survive working for Aeroflot or who have been hanging out in Angola just waiting for an opportunity like this.
Kicking out all its expensive 50-year-old pilots is also just a step in raising enough money to finance SAA’s Airbus purchases. To cap this, Minister of Public Enterprises Jeff Radebe and the SAA experts have come up with another brilliant idea, yet to be announced to an amazed flying public. According to SAA sources who don’t want to be named, the short range two-engined “domestic” SAA aircraft are going to be sacrificed to pay for the long range four-engined Airbuses. So it’s going to be goodbye to all the smart Boeing 737s — including the 18 brand new “800” models Coleman just bought — and hello to a fleet of perfectly serviceable Russian-designed and built Tupolev TU-134 “Smokemasters”, which have proved themselves so successful in other parts of Africa.
The change-over rate was too tempting to ignore. One second-hand 737 buys around 11 seventh-hand Tupolevs. Add that to the fact that each of these aircraft comes complete with a highly trained Tupolev flight crew, consisting of captain, co-pilot, engineer, radio operator, navigator and barman. This is admirably labour-intensive and will probably turn Jeremy Cronin’s horrible commie goolies green with envy. What is more, SAA can hire the whole aircrew bangshoot for less than they currently pay one newly appointed third officer.
Imagine yourself in a few years’ time as you travel in the general direction of Cape Town on one of these no-frills people’s flying machines. The intercom crackles into life.
“Good morning comrade passengers. This your captain Volodya Itzikensky who is speaker. Greetings from socialist cockpit and crew. I wish to say you how high we are to fly but altimeter needle fall off when the nose-wheels explode at take-off so we have to make guess. Same no information for time land Cape Town but this not my fault. New North Korean air traffic controllers at Mbeki International cannot get the headwinds translate in time.
“Co-pilot Ivan Svetlov fly this leg. This because my side windscreen now cardboard after brakes fail yesterday so we taxi into Airlink Antonov.
“We have important question from navigator. She want to ask passengers if any recognise small town on our right. We already fly some time above deep cloud and she now can no more see national road to follow to Cape Town.
“There is big bad weather on way, some terrible thunderstorms. As the old Russian aviation proverb go: only one thing worse to fly through than thunderstorm and that is mountain. So you must relax. Russian pilots very good at fly through mountains. Ask President Machel.
“Senior stewardess, Natasha, will soon to bring samovar and boiling turnips round so sit back your benches and enjoy the rest of the trip with SAA.”
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