When considering romantic relationships, most of us think in terms of pairs: the couple first and foremost, with other relationships on the outside.
But for twins — linked by a closeness that, in identicals, extends as far as sharing the same DNA — it can be more complicated than that. The dating rules, as non-twins know them, don’t always apply. Date a twin and you might just find that one and one equals three.
Phil and David are ”very close” identical twins. Phil has been in the same relationship for more than eight years — a happy situation helped by the fact that his brother is very fond of his girlfriend and that she, in turn, has adapted well to their twinship. The three spend a lot of time together. ”There are certain sacrifices that you have to make with twins,” Phil acknowledges. ”You’re not just taking on one person.”
For David, however, things haven’t always run so smoothly. Until recently, Phil has never approved of any of his relationships. There has been, he says, ”no kind of compromise [from his partners] in the past”, leading to enormous arguments between everyone concerned.
And while problems between the twins are ”resolved in a matter of minutes”, says Phil, ”it’s the other relationships that take time to be sorted”. On more than one occasion, he feels that his disapproval has contributed to the breakdown of David’s liaisons.
Exclusively Twins, a for-twins-by-twins dating service (on Twins Realm), was set up to counter just such problems. From founders Lake and Flame’s (twin) perspective, non-twin incoming partners are often susceptible to ”partner jealousy” — something their service hopes to circumvent. From many a partner’s viewpoint, such jealousy might just as easily be laid at the opposing twin’s door but, either way, flexibility on all sides is key.
Nancy Segal, author of Entwined Lives: Twins and What They Tell Us about Human Behaviour, notes that, often, twins develop relationships that, while seeming unconventional to wider society, accommodate both their romantic and twin needs.
Segal cites identical twins who married best friends and for years shared the same house. When one pair finally moved out, it was only to go next door. In another case, an unmarried twin lived with her sister and husband. The single twin ”did everything except sleep in the same bedroom as the couple”, Segal says.
”It’s a situation that to most people seems odd, but to them it was just fine.”
Ultimately, it’s about maintaining a sense of inclusion for all concerned. While Segal’s examples may appear extreme, this principle of inclusion is vital in many twins’ lives, and it takes compromise and understanding.
”Twins have to accept there’s another person there,” says Segal, while any new partner must be aware that a previously exclusive twin relationship is unable ”to change overnight”.
So it was for Helen, whose ex- partner was one of a pair of twins who shared private jokes and emotional shorthand that she was neither able to decipher nor invited to be a part of.
”After a few months, I’d had enough,” she says. ”I don’t know whether it was because I couldn’t handle the relationship they had, if I was angry because James refused to recognise my needs, or whether Stuart was jealous of me and wouldn’t let me in, but ultimately I wasn’t up for finding out.” — (c) Guardian Newspapers 2002