Oom Schalk just showed Lemmer a story in the Bosveld Herald about the government wanting South Africans with dual nationalities to give up one of them. Magtig, this is just like the old days when Pieter Willem in his krokodilskoene wanted foreigners not to vote here, but they could live here and invest their money. He also didn’t want South Africans having bank accounts oorsee (except the top brass and members of the party, of course).
Lemmer wonders if all the uitlanders, especially the ones with Engelse passports, will now leave. But shame, the children who were born here will have to give up their passports even if they are only six and can’t leave by themselves. Of course, if South Africans with a buitelandse passport have to give it up they probably won’t and will pack up and there will be another Groot Trek. Even in our third republic we still seem to not like uitlanders much, hey?
Bokbefok
After the debacles in Marseilles and Edinburgh, Minister of Sport and Recreation Ngconde Balfour, already on record as saying he would abolish cricket if it were not for the impending world cup, should perhaps consider abolishing rugby instead.
To make matters worse, MultiChoice has advised the denizens of Dorsbult that the Springboks versus England game on November 23, originally to be screened on M-Net and Supersport One, will now be broadcast on the Cartoon Network.
Yes, Minister
One of the manne, in a chatty mood, called up a long-time acquaintance, KwaZulu-Natal MEC for Transport S’bu Ndebele, to say ”hi” this week.
The phone was answered by a strange voice, which said: ”The minister’s phone.”
”So where is he?” asked Lemmer’s pal.
The voice, now sounding a bit angry, said: ”Who is ‘he’?”
”The minister, of course.”
The miffed voice replied: ”You must always refer to the minister as the minister. You must remember that, I am warning you.”
Not accustomed to warnings of this nature, Lemmer’s friend merely disconnected.
”I talk more informally with God. Are these ministers now a league above God?” was the question the Dorsbult got to ponder.
Suite in B minor
Cricket World Cup organiser Ali Bacher’s pronouncements on ”ambush marketing” at next year’s tournament, reported in last week’s Mail & Guardian, sparked inquiries from around the sporting world. The notion that supporters might be told to remove the ”wrong” branded T-shirt conjured up images of lobster-pink Engelsmanne baking in the African sun, while their beer-sponsored replica football jerseys lay in a crumpled heap at the gate.
But perhaps the biggest revelation was that Bacher says he’s planning to send a ”gentle reminder” to corporate suite holders at the world cup that they should ensure their boxes are not exclusively white.
Now the good doctor has always been big on transformation — not least in transforming himself. A Test captain in the Seventies, he became a rebel tour organiser in the Eighties before reinventing himself as the shining knight of the downtrodden in the Nineties. Now, a decade after having pioneered the quota policy on the field of play, he’s extending it to the corporate box.
So tell us, Ali, what is the policy for the world cup? A minimum of two on the balcony and one propping up the bar?
Relative disaster
For those South Africans conjuring up excuses to take time off to watch world cup matches next year, Lemmer would like to offer this cautionary tale.
Runako Morton, a 24-year-old who has played two one-day internationals for West Indies, was bored because he hadn’t played any matches on the team’s current tour to India. So he made a plan. He told management that his grandmother had died, and went home.
Unfortunately, the authorities decided to check up on this — and found that one of his grandmothers died 16 years ago, while the other still lives in Antigua. Apparently the latter ouma was rather surprised to discover that her grandson was mourning her death.
Morton has been banned from playing for a year for bringing the game into disrepute.
Driving Miss Crazy
Here in the Groot Marico, part of our unofficial driving test concerns hand signals — the type you display when some idiot in a German luxury car cuts in front of you. But up north, Uncle Bob is a much more civilised man. He’s made it illegal to make any rude gestures or say something derogatory when his motorcade — of up to 20 vehicles — drives around and disrupts traffic.
Stressed out
Oom Krisjan fears there might be a spate of Daisy de Melker-style killings in Port Elizabeth soon. Herr Dr Wouter Basson has reinvented himself as a motivational speaker for the mink-and-perm set of the Raad vir Sakevroue. He addressed them at a function in Port Elizabeth last week about ”stress management”. Considering Dr Death’s ideas on dealing with those that caused the previous government any stress, partners of Port Elizabeth’s female power brokers be warned.
Smuts of Pretoria
Trawling through the Internet one night — well, one must emulate one’s leader — Lemmer came across the African National Congress’s chief spin doctor, Smuts Ngonyama, described as ”Chief Strategic Adviser to President Thabo Mbeki” by a Wharton Global Business Forum 2000. Wonder how the men in the Union Buildings feel about this.
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