I feel a great opportunity was missed with the announcement and awarding late last year of various state medals and honours. When considered against the formidable array of achievements, the electrifying catalogue of human endeavour which has marked nearly nine years of African National Congress sovereignty, the list of honoured recipients was very limited.
What we need to do is take another leaf out of the book of those objectionable European colonialists whose detestable legacy of greed, depravity, immorality and contaminated doctrines still keeps Africa on its knees. After all, we emulate faithfully a Westminster model of parliament, its pomp and circumstance. Our justice system is of the Roman-Dutch variety. There are countless other examples
of this kind of adaptation to African framings of established European systems.
What we might consider is issuing a couple of royalty-style honours lists each year, like those when Queen Elizabeth bestows knighthoods, solemn orders and elsewise on those among her subjects who have made significant contributions in the humanities, the arts, entertainment, sports, the sciences, literature, the civil services and, of course, politics, the most K-ridden profession of all. The queen announces a New Year’s honours list and another on her birthday. Perhaps this is yet another detestable European ritual we might do well to mimic. Knighthoods and awards are often used as forms of payment for good work done on behalf of the sitting government, a public pay-off as it were but which costs virtually nothing. And there are plenty of those necessary in our country.
With my usual humility I submit what might be the first of the South African honours lists; to be announced annually on April 27, the anniversary of South Africa’s first democratic election. A second list could be announced each year on Thabo Mbeki’s official birthday.
DMEI — Dame of the Mbeki Empire of Intellect — to Manto Tshabalala-Msimang in recognition of her outstanding work in furthering the confused dissidence of the official presidential line on HIV/Aids.
OBE — Order of the Broederbond Empire — to Pik Botha in recognition of his lifetime achievements in selling the apartheid dream to a loudly disapproving but secretly admiring Western world.
CDJ — Companion of the Decaying Jockstrap — to Marthinus van Schalkwyk in recognition of his athletic supporting role in the rubbishing of the Democratic Alliance, followed by his first infections of ANC political morality.
KPB — Knight Order of the Pompous Blatherer — to Ngconde Balfour for his sterling efforts in promoting interracial hostility in cricket.
KKK — Knight Order of the Kreepy Krauly — to Independent Newspapers’ political editor, John Battersby, in recognition of his trailing-edge work in interpreting the words, actions and finger-language of the state president.
OCE — Order of the Cauliflower Ear — to rugby coach, Rudolph Straeuli, in recognition of his conversion of a once proud Springbok rugby team into international bums of the week.
AZT — Associate of the Zimbabwean Tyranny — to Foreign Minister Nkosazana-Sarafina-Virodene-Dlamini-Zuma, affectionately known in diplomatic circles as the ‘Nepad washerwoman”, in recognition of her regular laundering of President Robert Mugabe’s soiled political underclothes.
Clot — Companion of Loudmouthed Opposition Turkeys — to Tony Leon for his elegant super-vision of the multiple crises recently visited upon the Democratic Party, from the acquisition of dubious funding from an anonymous German businessman, through many pitfalls to the overdue demise of the DA.
ADSC — Associate of Desperately Seeking Communists — to comrade Jeremy Cronin in reward for his selfless drudgery in the production of smarmy praise poetry.
SODM — The Supreme Order of Docile Mouthpieces — to President Thabo Mbeki for his dependable performance as Essop Pahad’s official spokesman.
CUM — Companion of Undervalued Musicians — to former mayor/Western Cape leader/ philosopher and self-made Lothario, Peter Marais, for his generous karaoke renditions in national news bulletins of popular songs.
LHHM — The Lord Haw-Haw Medal (a discretionary award) — to the entire SABC news department for its slavish adherence to the official party line.
MSMS — Life Membership of the Society of Malevolent Academics — as a group award to members of the Witwatersrand University Council Abattoir for its humane slaughter of the university’s most recent vice-chancellor, Norma Reid Birley.
A life peerage goes to Dr Allan Boesak who will take his seat in the House of Pseuds forthwith, to be known as Lord Contemptible Ripitoff of Carnarvon, in recognition of his dedicated work in pursuit of personal glory, piety and foreign donor funds intended to alleviate the suffering of the victims of despicable apartheid.
Another life peerage, this to one of Lord Contemptible Ripitoff’s closest ministerial allies, Abdullah Omar, in recognition of his outstanding failures as both minister of justice and minister of transport. He will forthwith be known as Lord Booby-Drone of Arrive Alive.
And last but not least, to Minister of Education, Kader Asmal, the prestigious OCSPC — Order of the Cone-Shaped Paper Cap — for his imaginative interpretation of each year’s matric results.
Submissions for the Birthday List may be made to [email protected]
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