From brewing to screwing
The Dorsbult might be only 1 500km from the visdorpie as the crow flies but it’s light years distant in terms of political understanding. Take this arms deal, for instance. The manne are still trying to work out what South Africans are really getting for the heaps of money (pick a figure between R40-billion and R70-billion — it keeps increasing in direct relation to the price of a 4×4) we’re handing over for a couple of boats and planes.
When the deal was originally announced there were vague promises of even more billions that would be spent in South Africa by these boat and plane builders. It was termed the “offset programme” — countertrade for the arms-deal procurements. But the movers and shaikers have been rather quiet until now on exactly what that entails — except to deny that it was a euphemism for an enrichment programme for an exclusive few.
So Lemmer was interested to hear of a Department of Trade and Industry report that details where all this countertrade is going. There are three greenfield projects identified: a condom factory in East London, a wheat brewery and Taxi, a chewing tobacco company. It appears those foreigners have correctly identified the main South African pursuits — brewing, screwing and chewing.
The report also contains the following mind-boggling description of the condom factory: “Production of high-quality condoms, including the backwards integration into a dripping line.”
Generation X-rated
When Oom Krisjan was at school, June was the time for rugby, soccer (ja, remember when that was a winter sport?) and mid-year exams. Since no one under 18 is (legally) allowed to drink in the Dorsbult, Lemmer’s knowledge of the current education system is rather sketchy, but even though pupils and teachers have been replaced by learners and educators he’s sure that June is also the time when those in what used to be
called matric start to panic about what they might be doing in six months’ time. (In Lemmer’s case it almost involved doing Standard 10 all over again, but that is neither here nor there.)
Career guidance took the form of the guy who was also the PT teacher handing out booklets from big companies or providing the addresses of universities other than Maties to non-rugby players.
Things, fortunately, have changed, but Lemmer is not sure whether South Africans are quite ready for the sort of advice offered in a recent Dutch TV programme. It suggested that school leavers consider prostitution as a career and included explicit reportage from Amsterdam’s Hanky Panky School.
Considering our high unemployment rate — particularly among school leavers — it might be a valid option, but Oom Krisjan can just picture African Christian Democratic Party members choking on their cornflakes if e.tv decides to air the series called Neuken Doe Je Zo (Fucking: You Do It Like This) on breakfast TV.
Courting trouble I
Those apalled by the idea that anyone might choose to become a prostitute (jammer, sex-worker) rather than being forced to become one as a result of dire circumstances will applaud a recent decision by the Court of Appeal in Bloemfontein.
The details of the initial trial are not pertinent, but the honourable members of Bench attributed “the rot” in the case to uncourtly language. Apparently expressions like “gatvol“, “bullshit” and “stuff you” made it through to the record.
The Appeal Court acknowledged that this is “an egalitarian age” where less-than-refined modes of speech are to be respected, but it said there were limits to what could be tolerated.
The presiding officer, Judge Dennis Davis, and the defence counsel were slapped on the wrist as neither has “the excuse of a limited vocabulary”.
Freedom of speech, the learned judges wrote with no obvious hint of irony, was a constitutional right, but this does not extend to “the use of obscene language in the courts of law”.
Courting trouble II
The Democratic Whatever (party, alliance, friends of rich German exiles … you choose) is still banging the drum about law and order.
According to a DA flyer popped into the postboxes of many unsuspecting residents of Jozi’s northern suburbs, party boss Tony Leon says we can beat criminals.
His suggestions include putting
150 000 cops on the streets, staffing and equipping the child protection unit to maximum capacity, keeping all police stations open 24 hours a day (those in the 4×4 zone are anyway), no mass presidential pardons, and so on.
Lemmer’s favourite is: give crime victims and their families a say in sentencing offenders. The manne can just see it: while passing sentence, the judge consults the victim and asks some advice. The result? Life imprisonment for stealing a loaf of bread, two days (suspended) for accepting funds from shady foreigners.
But even with the current system, we get some bizarre decisions. Two recent cases have come to Oom Krisjan’s attention. One person was fined R1 000 for not having a TV licence. Another was released on bail for R500 after being arrested for murder. The moral of this South African story: if you do not have a TV licence and the inspector comes round, kill him. You’ll save R500.
Cornered
Minister of Labour Membathisi Mdladlana has an odd sense of humour. While droning on at the Growth and Development Summit in Midrand last Saturday about how development leads to new opportunities, Mdladlana paused to illustrate what he was talking about. He pointed out that when roads were built “corner shops” sprung up. He could not resist a
jibe at the Indian corner shops often called “Moosas”. Looking towards the Minister for Environmental Affairs and Tourism, Mdladlana asked: “Are you listening, Valli?” The minister’s surname, of course, is Moosa.
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