Viewers of e.tv might well have been puzzled about why the channel’s coverage of the African Union conference last month came winging into their homes ”live from Maputo” one day and ”live from some forgettable petrol station near the border between Mozambique and South Africa” the next. Oom Krisjan offered succour — in the form of liberal drafts of Klipdrift — to a distraught e.tv staffer (the manne regularly welcome them) who staggered into the Dorsbult the other day. Seems the disposable minions who go out and get the news received characteristically tender loving managerial care on the Mission to Maputo. Dispatched at the last minute, a reporter, cameraman and technician arrived late at night to find there was no accommodation booked for them. But worse was to come. Busily marshalling their equipment — including a highly visible, satellite dish-laden truck — they found themselves surrounded by Mozambican defence and police officials who demanded to see their ”uplink licence”, a standard requirement for TV crews broadcasting from a foreign country. Ah, management had
forgotten that too. ”You’re the Maputo Pirates,” the officials exclaimed, threatening instant arrest. ”Be free with e,” the crew thought, and
high-tailed it to the border, where they made the now immortal petrol station broadcast.
Demented Alliance
The Democratic Whatever just can’t resist an opportunity for some cheap point-scoring. In a pathetic attempt at sounding concerned, Douglas Gibson sent this out to the media on Tuesday: ”The Democratic Alliance is pleased that Mr Bheki Khumalo, President Mbeki’s spokesperson, was not injured or killed during a hijacking in Pretoria earlier this evening. Mr Khumalo now joins 125 000 other drivers who have been hijacked in the past few years.
”It is essential that the police get on top of the hijacking problem. If necessary, use must be made of new methods. I have suggested that the national intelligence agency should be brought in to assist. The disposal of hijacked cars is a multimillion-rand racket and has made millionaires of some criminals.
”If we can stop the sale and distribution of hijacked cars and we can start catching the hijackers and punishing them, the problem will be brought under control.”
Oom Krisjan is sure Bheki and Mbeki took this with the sincere concern Deadly Doug intended — and didn’t regard it as just some sick opportunism.
Bet your life
Setting the spooks on the crooks is one thing, but not even the DA could have come up with a plan as daft as that proposed by the Pentagon this week (could they?). United States Deputy Defence Secretary Paul Wolfowitz had to eat humble pie in Congress and announce that a scheme to allow speculators to make bets on future terrorist attacks ”is going to be terminated”.
The $8-million scheme would have allowed punters to speculate on the likelihood of assassinations, coups and the full range of possible disasters in the Middle East — all in the hope that the it could help the US military predict future attacks. The plan caused uproar in Congress, where Democratic senators dubbed it a ”terrorism betting parlour”.
According to an example on the plan’s
market.org”>website
, (which went blank after Wolfie punctured their bubble), a punter who believed the Jordanian monarchy would be overthrown could buy a futures contract in ”Jordanian overthrow”. Its price would go up and down, like the price of pork bellies or oil futures, according to how many contracts are bought.
The pay-off for the Pentagon was that it would have access, in theory, to the ”buzz” in the markets and on the street. ”Research indicates that markets are efficient and timely aggregators of dispersed and even hidden information,” the Defence Department said.
Those good ol’ boys will stop at nothing in Dubya Dubya II.
Which day?
Working for ThisDay (whose launch date remains a closely guarded secret — though rumoured to be sometime next month) is proving be a bit of a pickle. At least for Vukani Mde, the former Cosatu media liaison who attended the Cabinet lekgotla briefing. ”[I’m] representing Business Day … Oh, sorry, ThisDay,” he told the president at question time. Lemmer’s sure he’ll get it right … SomeDay.
Better read than…
‘Education minister at DEAD’s new building” was the riveting subject line in an e-mail from Kader Asmal’s office this week. Was the normally hide-bound minister about to engage in an unaccustomed bout of mea culpa, the manne wondered, and confess that one of his education initiatives was dead in the water? An excited vote ensued about which one this would be. Close inspection of the e-mail showed that Asmal was in fact going to be speaking at the opening of new premises for the READ Education Trust. The Oom is relieved to know that this valuable NGO, which has done excellent work for 24 years in promoting reading and library facilities,
especially in poor communities, is far from dead.
Gotta get a gimmick
Among the dross that clogs up everyone’s e-mail there are a couple of real surprises. Without further ado, Oom Krisjan presents the silliest marketing campaign of the week: ”100% Hand Blown Functional Erotic Glass Art.
”High Quality, Medical Grade Pyrex Glass. 100% Safe, Hypoallergenic & often recommended by doctors to curb cross contamination associated with traditional materials. All Phallix are tempered for high durability & when properly cared for will last a lifetime. Colours won’t fade or bleed & they’re dishwasher safe!”
The manne spent a couple of hours (over several Klippies and Cokes) picturing dishwashers filled to the brim with hand-blown pyrex dildos.
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