On February 16th this year David Bullard’s Sunday Times column, Out to Lunch, hit the front page of the Careers section. It was around the time Stephen Mulholland discontinued his own column for the national giant and took on a page at Finance Week. Astute readers, or Johnnic employees, took note of the following somewhere near the middle of Out to Lunch: “I do think it is advisable to try to quit while you’re still ahead of the game. The prospect of becoming a name-dropping old bore, constantly reminding your long-suffering readers of past triumphs in your distinguished career, is truly frightening.”
On the Monday morning Bullard received an e-mail from Mulholland. The Media publishes exclusive extracts from that biting piece of correspondence, and shows you what happened next.
Mulholland to Bullard (Monday morning)…
Dear David…There must have been something which I did to earn your personal and, I must say, surprisingly venomous, enmity. I can think of nothing. We hardly know each other and, as far as I can remember, I have never said anything about you or done anything to you which should cause you to portray your disdain and even scorn for me.
However, I shall, somehow, survive it
My previous advice to you that only lightweight amateurs write columns about writing columns seems to have passed you by. It bores readers stiff and reflects a mind bereft of original thought.
There is absolutely no danger that you will become “a name-dropping old bore reminding your long-suffering readers of past triumphs in your distinguished career” for the very simple reason that you didn’t have one and are unlikely to do so.
Actually, I am unaware of anything you have ever accomplished although you must have done something to be so very pleased with yourself.
Oh yes, I forgot, you are a best-selling author, a sort of lightweight, amateur, journalistic Wilbur Smith – without the money.
Incidentally, you owe me lunch at which I shall propose a toast to your strong suit, the noble art of brown-nosing, to which I am a stranger.
and the reply from Bullard…..
Dear Steve
Odd that you think that the weekend article was about you….but that’s vanity I suppose.
You are absolutely right about my lack of distinguished career. It’s something that I really should be worried about, but I can’t seem to work up enough energy to give a damn. So I will just have to live with the shame of constantly living in your shadow.
Just a word of friendly advice…you will live longer and be much happier if you take yourself a tad less seriously. After all…no-one else does.
Fight the good fight
David
which elicited this response from Mulholland…
Dear David
Oh, we are a touchy little lightweight aren’t we?
you will remember that you have in the past gratuitously criticised my column for relating old encounters with interesting people…you know, the “old bore” stuff, so don’t be disingenuous with me.
Vanity had nothing to do with it. Others who had read them and had no doubt that the passage in question referred to me brought your comments to my attention. Perhaps we are all wrong and you had in mind some mythical “old bore” rather than the one who founded Business Times. What have you founded, by the way?
I remain still mystified why you bother to spend your vitriol on me and would be most grateful if you would let me know what I have done to deserve it…It’s merely that, if I have offended you, or perhaps someone close to you, then perhaps you could let me know and I would happily try to repair any damage I have done to you or yours.
Thank you so much for your sage advice about not taking myself too seriously. I am already old and happy and don’t believe I do take myself too seriously. However, like most Point Road boys, I do enjoy a little punch up, literary or otherwise, from time to time.
As ever
Stephen
and this again from Bullard
Hi Steve
Of course you haven’t offended me…well no more than anyone else. It’s just show biz and I urge you to take my earlier advice on not taking life too seriously. I never have and look where it has got me? No distinguished career perhaps, but a bloody huge fan club. Anyway, what are past honours compared to current glory?
By the way, I was in Katzy’s last night and somebody said that you had become a cult…..although the music was a bit loud and I may have misheard him.
Pip pip
David
PS They gave me a huge payrise after you left.
back again from Mulholland on the Wednesday morning
Gee, David, it must be such fun to be in “show biz,” as you call it, and have loads of fans and make a lot of money. Don’t spend it all at once and remember that you owe at least a part of your massive increase to me. I shall have to struggle on with the modest fruits of a career inpublishing. Perhaps I can touch you up for a loan, as you Brits put it.
Unlike you, Michael Jackson, Elton John and your other colleagues I have never been in “show biz.” What with all the groupies, drugs and so on, it must be a blast, or whatever you showbiz types call a good time. You can also compare notes with those other best selling authors such as John Grisham, Michael Crichton, et al. Perhaps the sales of your brilliant book will reach 7002. Autographed first editions will sell for thousands and your many fans will be in ecstasy. I suspect you won’t invite me to the celebratory party, a snub from which I will never recover.
I do so envy you. Here’s to brown-nosing.
and Bullard’s response…
Steve
Much as I would love to keep up this genial banter with you I have a few deadlines to meet. When one writes a leading column for the country’s best selling newspaper one is under tremendous pressure to deliver the goods to a very discerning readership. So please excuse the brevity of this e.mail.
Perhaps we can catch up again when I get back from Australia and before I fly out to Paris.Personally I would love you to come to my celebratory party for 7002 sales of Out to Lunch. Unfortunately though these things are no longer in my hands and my “publicity people” sort out all this sort of stuff for me now I’m famous.To brown nosing, Yours fondly, David
more from the pen of Mulholland…
Gee, David, you’re a jet setter too….my admiration knows no bounds…
It must be such fun to be a star, to be a great writer on a great newspaper…gee, you’ve really made it, haven’t you? You must write a book…perhaps you can call it something like: “How I overcame Vertical Disadvantage to become a best-selling author, a world traveller, adistinguished journalist, a great columnist, a ladies’ man of note and rich to boot.”
Enjoy your trip to Aussie. Second prize is two trips there.
Pip pip and all that.
Steve
followed by something Mulholland forgot to mention…
Oh, David, forgot to congratulate you on being among the most ingratiating of free loaders….Happily I am able to afford my own travel and no doubt, after a stunning career in showbiz, brilliant success as a best-selling author, enormous earnings from your brilliant column about columns, numerous appearances as an MC etc, etc, you, too, will be able to pay your own way. And, remember, as a showbiz personality of such astounding prominence, never let the facts get in the way of a good story.
Pip pip and all that
Steve
to which Bullard reacts…
Yo Stevie
Now I think I remember telling you that I was too busy to keep this banter up and yet what do I find?……two e.mails from you clogging the system. If you had anything new to say it would be fine but they are the same dreary old name dropping, bragging missives you have been bombarding me with all week. Frankly you are becoming a bit of a bore old chap, although our e.mail interchange is currently circulating the web under the title “the collected wit and wisdom of Mulholland” and the punters seem to love it, so maybe we should keep going.
I realise that regular contact with me has become part of your daily routine but as a famous columnist for a large circulation Sunday newspaper I can’t just spend time on one reader…..I am greatly in demand and many eager readers (like you) need to feel the immense power that having some small contact with me gives them. It’s almost a spiritual thing to some of them….a bit like the Buddha. So sadly, I may not be able to give you as much attention as you have been demanding of late and I want you to know that this hurts me more than it hurts you.
Keep taking the medication
Toot toot
David
There’s more like this, as good, which The Media is considering publishing next month.