A ruse by any other name
As readers of this rag will no doubt be wearily aware, the University of Domestic Warfare (UDW) has had a year it would sooner forget, what with preoccupations such as Bugging 101, Slander 303 and Summary Suspensions (Honours) having replaced more traditional academic pursuits. But even the Dorsbult manne, whom nothing human usually surprises, were astounded at a recent propaganda stunt from the institution.
Readers of an estimable daily newspaper might have been seriously puzzled by a peculiar story about a month ago. The piece purported to offer an objective account of the upcoming merger between UDW and the University of Natal. The well-informed will have noted glaring errors — such as the surprising claim that Natal is ”unashamedly white”. (This drew a furious letter from a Natal academic, who pointed out that the racial profile at Natal is 47% black, 29% Indian, 3,4% coloured and 20,4% white; and that Natal has had a black vice-chancellor for more than a year.)
But accuracy was clearly not the writer’s aim. It read like a convenient piece of PR for UDW in these troubled times. Minor details such as probably the most humiliating government investigation any university has ever had to undergo into governance and management problems didn’t rate so much as a mention in the piece.
Scenting skullduggery, the manne switched into investigative mode (that is, we opened another bottle of Klippies, got on to the Internet and hit the phones). The story was penned by one ”Carol Mntungwa”, identified in an endnote as ”a freelance journalist”. Now, Lemmer knows every hack on the planet (and quite a few who have left it), and Ms Mntungwa’s name rang no bells. Nor has she been notably prolific: diligent searching revealed that she’s published only one story — funnily enough, that one.
A scurrilous theory circulating among the manne was that it could be one NomaVenda Matiane, who is indeed well-known to the Dorsbult. But not as ”a freelance journalist”: she’s employed full-time in UDW’s public affairs department and regularly signs responses to the Dorsbult’s voluminous written queries about goings-on at Domestic Warfare, identifying herself as ”UDW spokesperson”.
”Carol” is one of NomaVenda’s first names; ”Mntungwa” is her maiden Khumalo surname’s clan name. Carol/NomaVenda told Oom Krisjan she didn’t write it, had never even read it (someone should look into dereliction of duty there), and doesn’t know what her clan name is. Lemmer knows better.
Stofile stuff-up
Oom Krisjan tries hard to keep this column as accurate as possible, but the occasional blaps does creep in, unfortunately. In an item in the November 28 issue, Lemmer was ruminating about how the African National Congress seems to be making the elections a family business, with several spouses appearing on its lists. A Nomvuyiso Stofile, who features in the ANC’s list of candidates for the Eastern Cape legislature, was described as Premier Makhenkesi Stofile’s wife, which apparently is not correct. Nomvuyiso tells us she is not even related to the man. Only excuse is the manne had a dop too many.
The giaconda smile
What with tracking down hitherto unknown hacks and getting confused by the ANC lists, Lemmer hasn’t had a chance to remark on a remarkable juxtaposition in these pages. In the issue of November 28, former City Press editor Vusi Mona appears crestfallen on the pages towards the front dealing with Judge Joos Hefer’s spy inquiry, and then as the glowing ”Programme Director” (Lemmer assumes that’s newspeak for MC) of the Khulamnotho Awards 2003 — a four page, full-colour insert.
Not only did Mona seem untroubled by his forthcoming testimony to Oom Joos, but he was pictured beaming at the event’s special guest, none other than Deputy Prez Jacob Zuma. Obviously all’s fair in love and Mpumalanga.
Family ties
Lemmer hears there’s a new arrival in the clan that’s the visdorpie’s answer to the Kennedys. Proud parents Craig and Zadee Small announced that Maximilian Gerald Morkel was born on Tuesday, December 9. Looking at the boy’s names, and considering that it was at Maximilian’s restaurant that Grandpa Gerald and Jurgen Harksen had their infamous bonding sessions, perhaps a certain German ”businessman” is the godfather?
Not enough noise
Lemmer is amused by South African government mouthpieces who regularly lambast Australia and other countries for their ”megaphone diplomacy” towards Mad Bad Bob up north, while touting our own approach.
Considering how spectacularly unsuccessful the softly, softly method has been, perhaps we should rename it ”pin-drop diplomacy”. Any readers got better ideas?
Watching Bob Mugabe’s recent shenanigans, Lemmer couldn’t help remembering the last time a Southern African leader led his country out of the Commonwealth in a huff. Yes, it was old Hendrik Verwoerd — and look what happened to him!
Heavy-handed
Oom Krisjan, as regular readers will know, is a little sceptical of Bushbaby’s efforts in Iraq (and everywhere else on the globe, for that matter). His concerns were heightened by reading the ”Quotation of the Day” in The New York Times of December 7:
”With a heavy dose of fear and violence, and a lot of money for projects, I think we can convince people that we are here to help them.” — Lieutenant Colonel Nathan Sassaman, whose unit oversees the Iraqi village of Abu Hishma.
That doesn’t, Lemmer believes, have quite the ring of the Vietnam era ”Grab them by the balls and their hearts and minds will follow”, but perhaps that is just nostalgia for a gentler age.