Politicians are scum, aren’t they? I mean, think about it: what kind of deranged bloated-ego sanctimonious perverted do-gooder mind gets the urge to stand up and make decisions supposedly on our behalf, allegedly to make things better for the rest of us? I mean, duh, it clearly hasn’t worked anywhere thus far, right?
That said, local politics could do with a good sex scandal just to get away from the whining about race and some ancient distant social atrocity called apartheid. (And before anyone mails me, yes, I did my part, choked on teargas, protested, had police spy friends who broke my heart and faced up against security branch during raids. That was then. So what? Now it’s just history. Grow up and forget about it. Move on. Everyone else has.)
Onto the sex scandal stuff. Yeah baby! Politicians are always getting bust somewhere with their trousers down, but it’s been sadly quiet in this regard in the UK for a while. So this next site allows you to combine some naked politicians, a hotel bedroom, and a donkey in a tasteful and respectful display known as Make Your Own Sex Scandal
Can some geeky tech-savvy readers please make a local version of the politicians & donkey site and mail me the url, and I’ll happily publicize your efforts (and keep you anonymous). Hmm, Zuma plus bondage gear plus dildo or Thabo plus sheep plus mounds of Aids corpses. Gee, the options are endless for some great social comment in the guise of sleaze. Or is it the other way round? I forget.
Gear change. You’d trust the word of astronauts, right? I mean, in a court of law, an astronaut holds more weight than Frikkie, your unemployed neighbour’s son, right? Okay, go experience what some astronauts have stated in public at UFO Sightings By Astronauts.
And staying with Nasa, it’s quite funny that people whined about me over my writings about the Sumerian story of Planet X or ‘Nibiru’, saying that a planet couldn’t possibly have a 3600 year orbit but were however shot in the foot last week by NASA announcing the discovery of what they called Sedna, with its 10 500 year orbit. What no one is asking or saying is that this odd elliptical orbit of the planetoid means that there is a big undiscovered ‘something’ elsewhere in our solar system that caused the strange orbit. Read Nasa Sedna.
Those party-poopers at the Guinness Book of Records who took out the competitive eating records way back in the ’70’s were scared, no doubt, of having the crap sued out of them. This hasn’t stopped the noble sport of eating as much as you can in the shortest possible time from happening though. Go take a look at one of the competitors homepages at The International Federation of Competitive Eating. (A few million starving people, meanwhile, sigh hungrily and keep watching the skies for some kind of cosmic Game Over sign to end their torment.)
But eat your heart out Sir Kenneth Clark, we’re going down laughing. As I’ve previously, the world’s frog population is disappearing because of frogs’ light sensitivity and weakness to the increasing UV radiation which is keeping cataract and cancer specialists rich and busy. Well, here’s another species on its way out. Read Butterflies Extinction.
Drugs time. Not all drugs are good, some are great, as Bill Hicks once said. That dodgy intro leads us to the little known report on drug smuggling headed by the guy who might be the next President of the US. The report called The Kerry Report happened back in 1987 and makes for fascinating reading as it has transcripts of lengthy cross examinations of major drug smugglers. Go read, or cut ‘n paste for offline reading: The Kerry Report.
I like bad jokes. Really bad ones. For instance, the old Woody Allen one that goes: “What goes black-white-black-white-black-and-white?” A nun, falling down stairs. Hmm, I know. It sucked. But if like me, you find pleasure in stupid jokes with no redeeming social values, as well as taking the p*ss out of nuns, then why not go try an online game where you can test your shooting abilities, as well as vent your anti-nun feelings. Go kick some butt at Nun Killers.
Then to get a little glimpse into the rather odd, controlled and paranoid world of the hardcore religious, do some reading at How Pokémon & Magic Cards Affect the Minds and Values of Children.
You non history-fan types may not recall the bad old days of Richard Nixon, possibly the first vampire to ever become President of the USA, who drew up lists of his enemies, bugged opponents and used a paramilitary team of ‘plumbers’ to go wreak havoc and dirty tricks on his behalf at whoever criticized his sdministration. You see? History can both be fun, and read like the plot of a bad movie. Point being, Nixon’s reign of terror, lies and body counts has been surpassed in some ways by the current White House. Go read A Brief History of White House Intimidation.
Real history time. Way back in the 1500s it wasn’t only evil white people who were stealing innocent black people as slaves: there were also evil black people stealing innocent white people for slaves. (I can feel a song coming on) Take a look at this Guardian story.
Staying with what some call the New World Order, local purchases of arbitrary weapons seem to pale in significance beside the latest weapons we’ve been allowed to hear about. What do you think of sonic (sound) weapons which “can cause permanent hearing loss or even cellular damage,” Do yourself a favour and read The Pentagon’s Secret Scream. Yes, Armscor, the trick is to bang those rocks together and hope for evolution. (As I think of it, if we’re supposedly a peace-loving, democratic country, why are we selling weapons which can kill and cripple to as many nations and countries as we can? Racists might call this perverted, hypocritical, and an obscene double standard.)
I see Microsoft has bowed to pressure from the whiney Zionist lobby and secretly removed two fonts from its database, doing this in the guise of an ‘upgrade’. Go stare in amazement at the quiet unadmitted removal of the Swastika and the Star of David from MS’s font database at Microsoft’s Unacceptable Fonts.
Hey, let’s push your buttons for the sheer joy of being able to and emotionally manipulate you into going ‘awwww’. Think kittens — then think handicapped kittens. I can see the tears starting already. Go awww at Bendy Kitten.
Alternatively, just when you thought things couldn’t get weirder, how about a site where someone is selling every aspect of their entire life? Curently their sideburns (nicely shaved off) are for sale. Go browse this accidental art-meets-web site at All My Life For Sale.
And now for a little journey into the heart of darkness known as the US detention base (and death camp) which sits outside of all legal reach. Start with My Hell In Camp X Ray. Then read Terror of Torture In Cuba Camp and I Was In The Wrong Place at the Wrong Time. Kinda makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, doesn’t it? Like the Jack Nicholson character in Easy Rider muttered, all those years ago: “This (the USA) used to be a hell of a good country”.
Need to break up with your significant other? Why go through all the emotional angst of doing it in person? (Yes, I know it’s supposedly constructive to your emotional growth and future ability to forge meaningful bonds, but hey, we all have a lot to do, right?) Have a look at the hi-tech way of doing things at Breaking Up – When You Don’t Want To Do It Yourself.
And just to show that this is indeed the column that is never ashamed to scrape the bottom of the barrel when necessary for the purposes of filling column-space as well as appealing to the prurient interest: ever had the urge to do some home experiments? How about changing the colour of your urine? If you’re bored or facing a urine test, for whatever reason, then this is the experiment for you. Go look at the photographs and see what happens when you combine scientific curiosity and a large jar of beetroot pickles, at Changing the Colour of Your Urine.
Finally, just to reward you for working your way to the bottom of this column, here’s some truly über sleaze, filth and fun to keep you content. Years back, Shockwave approached the makers of South Park to come up with an animation series to show off the shockwave format online. Matt Stone and Trey Parker obliged but the resulting product was rejected immediately. You’ll see why. Be warned it’s completely obscene, sleazy, pornographic, adults-only material … and blissfully, gorgeously funny. Remember, this doesn’t come from some low budget backroom but from the multi-million dollar empire behind South Park. And did I mention it was pornographic? Go stare with a happy grin at The Rejected South Park Series Known As Princess.
Until the next time, if donkeys or Armscor don’t get me.