We’ll admit we enjoy a lot of odd things once our tongues are loosened, but few women I know have ever said they enjoy being spanked or bossed around — or that they like to dominate their partners.
Madonna will. Then again, she’ll do anything for a bit of publicity. Britney Spears implied it with her school uniform and plaits, but I’ve yet to read an interview where she admits to the game she was playing with her slavering fans, male or female.
It’s also not one of the aspects of sex you get supposedly helpful advice on how to excel at in women’s mags. Imagine, girls: “Bend over: Our top 10 spanking tips!”
Neither does it crop up in men’s mags much. Perhaps since men’s mags are chiefly devoted to advice on how to bed a woman in the first place, which they seem to think is best done by memorising reams of pointless trivia. Sex articles on what to do once you’ve persuaded an actual woman to put up with you seem to focus on the very basics, like elementary oral sex — you know: “You’ll find it if you bother to try — here’s a map!”; “Remember to open her legs first!”; “Don’t bite!”
They forget that being bitten by someone who knows exactly what they’re doing is very pleasurable.
Perhaps in South Africa it’s particularly understandable that we’re scared to push the envelope. We have a president who thinks it’s okay to joke about beating your sister. We face a revoltingly high rate of violence against women. Outside of a small, middle-class trendy set privileged by money, education and the luxury of irony, gender roles more often oppress than entertain and excite. The line, beyond being something we’re afraid to cross, is more like a fissure we’re terrified will open and hurl us into dark sexual depravity.
Movies like Secretary don’t help either. How’s this plot: heroine discovers she prefers submissive spanking as a healthier alternative to slashing herself with sharp objects until she bleeds, then marries her creepy boss. Huh?
There’s always that nagging fear in the back of your mind that what you’re doing really is disturbed … but an awful lot of people went to see that movie, didn’t they. Perhaps seeking instruction?
Understandably. It’s also very hard to do role-play right. If you’ve ever tried to dominate a partner, you’ll know the danger of suddenly feeling utterly ridiculous is very high.
Picture this: there you are with a person you respect, possibly even love, they submissive before you, your hand in the air, and you’re saying something stupid like “Keep still. Wait.” Suddenly, you feel an attack of the giggles? Or you fear they do. It’s disastrous. Sexual partners, just like horses or dogs, can sense fear or real disrespect. Neither is even slightly sexy.
And then there’s other real danger. Wrongly managed, role-play leads to actual pain and sadomasochism. What begins as play for pleasure seeps out of the bedroom and into every interaction, tarnishing tenderness.
And where does it end? A friend once said that “The problem with S&M is that you can’t go back. You can only get more extreme.”
He saw it like a progressive illness, escalating from a playful slap to real torture. But assuming that there’s kernel of violence in all domination is like saying all penetration is a form of rape. Sure, the acts resemble each other, but the intention behind them is what really counts. But since not all lovers have good intentions, he has a point.
So if you play, experts advise picking a “stop” signal. Like “orange”, say. You may feel stupid saying that but let’s face it, you probably look really silly as it is. Or try “seriously”. Anything but “No” will do, because saying no, especially when you really mean yes, can be a lot of fun. Or so — ha, ha — I’m told.
Seriously though? Raising your hand against a lover, or allowing them to raise theirs is not a move anyone should make lightly!
Or maybe that’s the only way the move should ever be made. Lightly, never habitually, and with your head screwed on. Only the truly perverted (Mel Gibson included it seems), actually get off on real pain — on being bruised, cut or sexually humiliated. For the rest of us, the best role-play is fun, and mainly mentally. It merely crystallises the power play between lovers — play so finely balanced that neither of partner is really sure who’s on top.
That’s when the line between pleasure and pain is exquisite, and nobody gets hurt.