Losing the paper trail
For all those who have queued endlessly at the soulless home affairs offices around the country, Lemmer can now reveal that the problems stretch right to the top.
Malusi Gigaba, the Deputy Minister of Home Affairs and representative of South Africa’s youth in the executive, was dressed to the nines to present the budget to the parliamentary committee.
But then, after some pledges of efficiency and honesty, he lost his way among the pages of his speech.
As Gigaba shuffled his sheaf, one of the listening MPs wisecracked: ”As usual, the department has mixed up the documents.”
”I’m not surprised,” chuckled committee chairperson Patrick Chauke, to general laughter.
Talking of home affairs budgets, there was no cash for even a teeny-weeny fruit basket for the leader of Piesangland, Mangosuthu Buthelezi, to say farewell after 10 years.
Nor were there tokens of thanks for a handful of senior long-serving staffers, some of whom predated Buthelezi, but were told to boggerof.
Bush goes bossies
When he’s not choking on pretzels or falling off his mountain bike, Bushbaby massacres the English language (Texas chainsaw-style).
Dubya has achieved notoriety for his apparent lack of geographical knowledge — particularly who is in charge of which country. After a visit to Spain, he kept mentioning talks with someone called ”Anzar” when, presumably, he meant Spanish Prime Minister José Maria Aznar.
Some believe he suffers, like his brother Neil, from a form of dyslexia. (Just a thought: who chose such an awkward word to spell as ”dyslexia” to describe the condition?)
Bushbaby has denied such suggestions, so perhaps he has some other explanation for how he pronounces the name of Baghdad’s infamous prison, Abu Ghraib.
In a recent TV speech he first called it ”Abu-ga-rayp”. Then ”Abu Garon”. And finally ”Abu Garah”. At no stage did he get near the BBC recommendation of ”abboo grayb”.
Half-baked
Oom Krisjan and the manne partied long and hard into the night when it was announced last month that South Africa would host the 2010 World Cup.
That might explain why Fifa’s technical report (on which the bidding countries’ efforts were judged) slipped down behind the Dorsbult’s bar counter, only to be retrieved this week.
But this document makes very interesting reading. Lemmer isn’t sure quite how South Africa’s history was explained to the inspection team from football’s governing body, but the language used on page 61 of the report is a disturbing mixture best described as apartheid-era American.
Our population is described as being ”made up of four distinct ethnic groups”, with coloureds referred to as ”half-castes”.
A man’s man
It appears Sam the Man has been taking lessons from his colleague to the east, Mad Bad Bob.
Addressing an Africa Day rally at Okatana, near Oshakati, Nujoma warned his people against collaborating with whites who wanted to recolonise the country, The Namibian reports.
Nujoma then lashed out at Ben Ulenga, president of the opposition Congress of Democrats (CoD): ”Let me tell you, when Ben Ulenga was a Deputy Minister in Regional, Local Government and Housing, he came to me, asking [for] long leave to study abroad. I told him that he could not get long study leave, as it is not allowed by government regulations.
”I therefore offered him a foreign mission post in Britain. But when he went there, he started drinking and [was] useless, a gay [eshenge]. He went to the white people to yi ke mu ende komatako [be taken from behind]. He then came back and formed a political party, the CoD, without a vision.”
Port-a-prince
Well, well. Haitian hardman Jean-Bertrand Aristide is finally here. Negotiations for his arrival took some time — in no way connected to any potential pre-election political embarrassment over why we should house some deposed Caribbean despot, in the manner to which he is accustomed, of course.
Aristide spent two-and-a-half months in Jamaica after a short stint in the Central African Republic — apparently against his will, as he thought he was being rushed to South Africa.
His request to ”visit South Africa indefinitely” — first raised by the ex-Haitian leader in April, but delayed because of elections — was officially received on May 10 and approved by the Cabinet on May 13.
Oom Krisjan understands that the timing could not have been more opportune. Had his request gone through earlier, the home affairs minister would have had to consult the Immigration Advisory Board, which until quite recently was headed by Ivan Lambinon, a buddy of the prince formerly known as ”Gatsha”.
By early May, however, Lambinon had been shafted, and a new director-general, former National Intelligence Agency operations boss Barry Gilder, appointed in an acting capacity.
Aristide’s stay was legalised by the Minister of Home Affairs, Nosivive Mapisa-Nqakula, following the Cabinet decision — postponing consultations until the board’s next meeting, as provided for in the Immigration Act in cases of urgency.
Oom Krisjan is assured this will certainly happen, in keeping with the Act.
Forewarning
The Department of Foreign Affairs sent out an invitation to a press briefing by Minister Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma ”to give the South African perspective” on Aristide’s arrival.
But the software installed to prevent the Dorsbult’s computer from drowning in a sea of fake degrees and Viagra prescriptions was not impressed.
The subject line of the email was amended to read: ”[Maybe Spam] Press Briefing by Minister Dlamini-Zuma on Haiti”