Deep probing by Scorpions
Last week Oom Krisjan reflected on the pitfalls of die taal, particularly when it comes to translating place names. But English presents a whole host of dangers of its own, especially when you start to throw together some trite phrases. Speaker Baleka Mbete might reflect there were better ways than this to explain the initiative Parliament had taken to investigate the travel scam: ”Many in the public think that Parliament has been caught with its pants or skirts down. But they have to realise that Parliament actually asked the Scorpions to get to the bottom [of the scandal].”
The pants need to be down to get to the bottom of things — ask any proctologist.
Spring fever
The manne were devastated when our own golden girl, Hestrie Cloete, had to settle for silver in the high jump at the Olympics. Perhaps, Oom Gerhard sagely noted, if she’d tried some of the stuff the Transkei is famous for — instead of her usual cigarettes — she would have gone higher.
The digital divide
The Apartheid Museum produces some impressive ads, which show just how far the country has come. So far that it’s no longer on the map, as it were. You need a PC or a phone to find out where the museum is — the street address is not given.
Madiba magic
It seems that true German efficiency is being brought to bear to foil anyone trying to bring down the value of the latest four-wheel gimmick. A Sapa piece on iAfrica’s motoring section about ”democracy cars” (Beemers being signed by Madiba) included this last paragraph: ”BMW AG chair Norbert Reithofer said a plague verifying authenticity of the signature would also be affixed and the vehicles would be valued, as Mandela was an icon not only in South Africa but also in other countries.”
Oom Krisjan wonders whether this means that those trying to forge the signature will be struck down with boils? You can just imagine the resident BMW witches affixing said plague, sprinkling the dashboard with eye of newt, and so on.
Role model
Oom Krisjan referred last week to the suitability of Christine Qunta as a commissioner to investigate foreign whiteys buying up all the good land. What he forgot to mention is that Qunta is also an apologist for Mad Bad Bob, that distinguished scourge of the propertied class. In an article headed ”SA media proved wrong”, carried in Zimbabwe’s state media following the hero’s welcome accorded Robert Mugabe at Thabo Mbeki’s inauguration, she explained the problem thus:
”For whites, President Mugabe is a native who had the temerity to disturb colonial property relations. For this he must be punished. For the cheering crowds [that greeted Mugabe at the inauguration] Mugabe represents the restoration of ancestral land to those who had been deprived of it. He represents to the average African in [South Africa] and elsewhere on the continent dignity and self-determination.”
The manne can hear the clicking of suitcases in Constantia and Camps Bay all the way up here in the Groot Marico.
No value
Seems the high-rollers at Sun City (those most-valued guests) are being short-changed.
Happy as lambs
Every now and again Lemmer comes across a story so pointless and preposterous that it is positively delightful. Tim Radford reported in The Guardian last month that British scientists had found a way to soothe an anxious sheep: you show it a picture of another sheep.
”The researchers put sheep into a darkened barn on their own and projected life-sized images of sheep, goats and symbolic faces on a screen. They measured stress levels by recording heart rate, restlessness and the number of times a sheep bleated. They also tested levels of cortisol and adrenaline — chemical indicators of stress — in blood samples. Goats and triangle shapes did nothing for the fretful creatures, but once shown faces of other sheep, the anxious captives seemed to calm down.”
Besides knowing there is a way to ensure that the mutton curry is not too stressed out, Lemmer failed to see a point to this research. But, since humans tend to behave like sheep, it seems there are some applications.
Keith Kendrick, leader of the research team, said: ”One of the things that occurred to me is that if you have separation anxiety in young children [in playgroups or care centres], maybe providing them with pictures of their parents might actually help.”
Okay, forget the hugs, just show the brat a photo of mommy.
In army time
Lemmer is a little concerned about the battle-readiness of the South African National Defence Force if its response to other events is anything to go by. This week he received an invitation to a defence force parade on August 31 to celebrate Women’s Day.
That’s three weeks after the rest of the country had the day off for the event and just squeaks into ”women’s month”.