Name the dog
Slick Willie is back in the news after pledging his support to John Kerry (he of the Desperate Dan jawline), so Lemmer couldn’t resist.
Dubya fun
As it’s the United States election week, and as an equal-opportunity offender, Oom Krisjan also offers this one for the Republicans:
One day George W Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says: ”Honey, can I have a quickie?”
The waitress is appalled, yells at the president about women’s rights and storms away.
Cheney leans over and says quietly: ”George, it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”
An exclusive
Now, Oom Krisjan accepts that Botswana is a democracy, with transparency, openness and so on and so forth. But as the country goes into national elections, President Festus Mogae has outdone himself.
A missive from Mogae’s office that landed in Lemmer’s in-box announced: ”The president will do an exclusive interview with Carole Landry of AFP and later he will do an exclusive on-air interview with Sipho Showa at GabzFM and proceed to another exclusive interview with Ms Chen Yao, Mr Ren Haijan & Mr Yang Lei of Xinhua (China) News Agency.”
That shows just how inclusive exclusivity is in Botswana.
Comrade in arms
Die manne at the Dorsbult have agreed that one more name needs to be added to the country’s presidential succession race: Comrade Schabir Shaik. You see, die manne are of the old school and value things such as loyalty and comradeship — and in Schabir we would have a prez who never forgets his friends when they are in the doldrums. Indeed, Schabir epitomises the spirit of people before profits. Viva Schabir, viva.
High comedy
Comedian Ahmed Ahmed was one of the acts at the recent Fringe and Beyond the Fringe festivals in Edinburgh. He told this gag:
”I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, ‘Say something funny then.’ I told them I had just graduated from flying school.”
Miscellaneous copy
Zebra Press, those behind the publication of Darryl Bisto-Gravy’s tribute to Bill Bryson and others, has just released a book called Van Lill’s South African Miscellany, by someone named Dawid van Lill.
While browsing through this volume, Oom Krisjan noticed a most striking resemblance — in style, design, typeface, line-art and concept — to the bestselling Schott’s Original Miscellany, by Ben Schott.
Dining out
Lemmer has classified this gem, found in last weekend’s City Press editorial, under the heading ”some of my best friends are white”:
”White South Africans — and there are many of them who are not racist — should speak up about the kind of dinner table conversations that go on when black people aren’t around.”
Crypt music
Not even The Guardian — many years on from the Grauniad saga — is exempt from making howlers. This was in a report this week (that was used, uncorrected, on M&G Online) about DNA tests to decide whether a skull is really that of the famous composer:
”In a controversial operation, the scientists exhumed several skeletons from Mozart’s family vault in Salzburg, where the composer spent most of his life.”
Poor Amadeus, spending most of his life with his dead relatives.
Car-jacking lullaby
Hush my laaitie don’t you cry
Daddy’s gonna steal you a GTi
And if that GTi just won’t torque
Another GTi, I will stalk
And if the stalking don’t go to well
Daddy’s gonna steal you a Caravelle
And if that Caravelle makes some tricks
Daddy’s gonna jack you a VR6
And if that VR6 refuse to fly …
Daddy’s gonna knock a BM from a Sandton guy
And if that BM’s sound is kwaai
Da Lenz cherries will go with you to elke braai
And if the cops want to ask you hey, why why?
Daddy will buy the docket from a courtman spy
And if all these things still make you cry
Hey you’re not my laaitie
Your mom told me a lie — Author unknown
In the soup
In response to the food riot after the Manchester United vs Arsenal match on Sunday, a Guardian reader quipped: ”It must’ve been Heinz.” But new United defender Gabriel Heinze is not thought to be among the suspects who tossed a cup of pea soup over his manager, Alex Ferguson.