/ 4 November 2004

The Lord is my campaign manager

The Lord is my campaign manager

As tearjerkers go, they don’t come more emotional than a letter received from the outgoing students representative council (SRC) president of the University of Zululand. In the letter, Sicelo SS Mdletshe wails about the divine intervention that saw his organisation, the South African Students Congress (Sasco), lose the SRC elections.

Quoting from 1 Samuel 12:6 and Daniel 2:21, he said: ”The students have just been a mere tool of God to awaken the ANC Youth League and Sasco leaders to the realities of the students’ need. When I was suspended from SRC office and varsity, I knew that God wanted me out of that institution because he always have a purpose [sic] … He had deposed us for a reason, hence we shall come closer to him and he shall comfort us and give us more wisdom in handling student matters.”

Lemmer predicts a great future for Mdletshe at one of the ”universities” run by TV preachers in the US Bible Belt.

Final count

Still on the topic of elections, the Lord and his supporters certainly stepped out in force for Bushbaby this week. Some voters were, perhaps, a little bit closer to Him than others by November 2, however.

Analysts suggest that in Florida, the Sunshine State where a large number of elderly Americans go when they retire, at least 20 people who cast early votes had died by the time the rest of the country went to the polls.

A-mazing>

‘Build it and they will come”, ”The corn is as high as an elephant’s eye” … Ja, those American clichés sprang to mind when Lemmer caught sight of this photograph of a maze in a maize field somewhere in Utah. Perhaps the mielieboere from around the Groot Marico could try something similar for the prez and the prince formerly known as Gatsha for our next elections.

Christian values

The Human Rights Commission found that the bastion of die volk, the Afrikaanse Taal en Kultuurvereniging (ATKV) — established in 1930 with Christian values at its core — had every right to deny the perks of membership to a family from Bo-Kaap because they are Muslim. Oddly enough, the complainants’ names are Shahnaz and Ebrahim Christian. And the HRC provincial coordinator who delivered the judgement in favour of the ATKV’s excluding Muslims was Ashraf Mahomed.

Heita!

Lemmer’s schooldays in the Groot Marico are but a distant memory, buried as they are under decades of Klipdrift. But he does remember being riveted by his Engelse onderwyser’s unusual way of teaching punctuation.

So Lemmer was duly crotch-grabbed on Monday when the Daily Sun broke all journalistic records by notching up four exclamation marks in its front-page headlines (there were only two stories on the page) and five for the five stories on page two.

And while the rest of the world has been diverted this week by such trivia as presidential vote-counting in the Land of the Unfree, Oom Krisjan can reveal some figures of his own: by Wednesday, as Bushbaby’s victory was being announced, exclamation marks in the Daily Sun (”SA’s biggest daily!”) were well into three figures. Unlike Bushbaby, Lemmer does not expect a legal challenge to this count.

Tender tales

The Oom is very happy to see that Darrel Bisto-Gravy is gainfully employed on the otherwise excellent Time Out guide to Jozi. We wonder why he didn’t include trips down Copy Cat Lane and moonlight visits to Plagiarist Place? And before Darrel’s fan club comes out of the cobwebs again, consider this, chaps: What’s your take on the Shaik trial? Why don’t we just stop hammering Jacob Zuma and leave Schabir alone to go on his tender ways?

And if Lemmer may suggest that Foreign Affairs spin-doctor Ronnie Mamoepa must go into the draw for Mampara and Moegoe of the Year. Not only did he display a mouthful of mealies when he told off Cosatu for daring to go to Zimbabwe, he also claimed the only known victory for quiet diplomacy … was the release of petty criminal Riaan Schutte last month.

We wait with bated breath for Ronnie’s spin when free and fair elections, respect for the rule of law and the liberation of the judiciary finally happen.

Fat Cheshire cats

With the Gnu Gnats slowly fading from the scene like the Lewis Carroll cat, does anyone know what has happened to the New National Party’s huge overdraft (about R4-million the last time Lemmer read anything about it)? Answers to the usual place, please.

Smoker’s corner

Being in Parliament has brought out the homemaker in the Democratic Whatever’s Sandra Botha. Not only does she stand up and share her thoughts with the whole country, but she also gets to order the nation’s chairs.

She was seen this week in interior decorator mode, directing workmen to widen an entrance door, and find new furniture for a courtyard where the smokers of the parliamentary precinct gather.

”These ones really look a little shabby for Parliament,” she said, pointing at the rickety benches.

Pity that the chief beneficiaries of her creative urges are her opponents: African National Congress chief whip Mbulelo Goniwe and deputy chief whip Andries Nel regularly meet in the sparsely furnished area for a cigarette and quiet chat.

Health tip

Now that summer is upon us Lemmer asks readers: If swimming is so good for your figure, explain whales.