/ 10 November 2004

Shoving dollars down thongs

“Fickle voter on the wall, who’s the fairest Commander-in-Chief of all?”

Hardly an impudent suggestion — given the reams of research being churned out nowadays in favour of the good-looking gene. Studies in Cosmo seem to suggest it counts …

And let’s be honest, back in their own little Notre Dame bell-towers, ugly folks everywhere know the truth — that regardless of their other achievements, they are a failure if they are not beautiful (to paraphrase that high priestess of feminism, Germaine Greer).

Which begs the question: If, as the researchers tell us, even babies are partial to the attentions of good-looking people, why shouldn’t looks play a part in voters making their minds up? It’s not that implausible that — talk on Eye-Raq notwithstanding — American voters may, just a teensy weensy bit, care more to vote for the better looking guy …

But which of them is it? Hmm … is it John Diphtheria Kerry, or George Coyote Bush? Hardly Beefcakes of the Year.

By the time this is published, it will be known which Gluteus Maximus will be perched on the leather settee in the Oval Office. And though foreign policy and social spending may matter — for the more honest of us, it sometimes has more to do with a simple case of liking the way the guy looks on TV.

Personally, my money’s on George W. During the entire campaign, Mister President’s body language and TV presence just screamed out: “I’m the man and I’ve arrived.” And though we’re unlikely to be shoving dollar bills down his thong anytime soon, Dubya’s bonhomie leaves that of the lantern-jawed Mister Kerry in the shade.

Were there any Gallup Polls or vox populi done on the subject, I’m sure I’d be proven right.

Ask anyone who watched the live presidential debates on TV — from the firm (ahem) handshake at the start, to his endearing look of bewilderment at most questions put to him, Bush had the magnetism. As one commentator put it, he has “folksy appeal”. When out canvassing for votes, he looked people in the eye, and on occasions, one could even see the old hand-lightly-on-the-shoulder trick, designed, as experts on body language will tell you, to make people feel at ease, to make them feel more special.

Bush’s eyes twinkle when he speaks, he smiles a lot, and has something of a swing in his step. Even when it’s to deliver yet another solecism, or to sound preposterously ignorant, he’s got the whole loveable Court Jester thing so going on, it just may be that final arbiter for so-called swing voters. His reputation for being a badass hard drinker in his day may even add to his appeal for some people.

Mister “My fellow Americans” Kerry, on the other hand, cannot shake the cadaverous image he’s seemed to have had ever since he first burst (would that be the right word?) on to the scene. He speaks in carefully measured tones.

When he tries to make a joke, he smiles as if mocking himself, and when he does make one, you’re too busy measuring his tombstone teeth to laugh along.

There are similarities between the two, though — they dress in the same dour suits for official appearances. And the turkey-necked duo aren’t exactly oozing sex appeal. But the differences tell a thousand tales.

Ever notice how you hardly see Bush bear-hugging his wife on TV? Laura Stepford Bush is always smiling in the wings: when they are on stage, it’s usually with the kids, with a feel-good, family-oriented air to it.

He has likely been advised by his spin doctors that, like the advice forced down the throats of boy bands everywhere, you’ve got to make the women voters like you in a “special” way — play the good husband, but a bit of laddishness thrown in won’t do any harm.

Anyone wondering just what all this has to do with sex appeal need only ask why Bill Clinton, despite his bulbous nose, got the babes lining up offering free fellatio. Remember the other guy running against him? No? Exactly.

And, for all his tough talk, the geriatric Jacques Chirac’s sleepless nights are likely to have less to do with being voted out of office by a more politically astute Nicholas Sarkozy than that his rival is younger, and has more “ooh la la”.

Given, it may be about power and not just looks. And some nations just choose ugly leaders over and over again. Which could explain why Mao Tse-Tsung, hardly a babe magnet, reportedly had villagefulls of concubines, or why (allegedly) the Führer could pick, choose and refuse from among the legions of nubile blonde Aryan babes wanting to have his love child.

But the better-looking guy surely has a distinct advantage. If that still doesn’t clear up any doubts, have a think as to why companero Fidel Castro, for all his revolutionary kick-ass cred, doesn’t get to see his face on vodka bottles and T-shirts, the way Che Guevara does.

Sneer if you want, looks matter. Which is why — locally speaking — the salt ‘n pepper beard, dapper tailoring and husky voice of a certain Mister T will get the X over the soft hands, rakish pullover over the shoulder of a pink shirt ( à la a TommyHillfiger ad) of a certain other Mister T.

As the folks across the sea would sing: “It don’t mean a thing if you aint got that swing …”