Poised on the brink of a new year, Loose Cannon has managed to engage the services of the renowned Brakpan siener, Danie van den Horne. Using both his crystal balls, Danie has provided an almanac for 2005. Study it and know that some things seldom change. Here are his predictions for the new year:
January: After the huge success of the Iraqi war in bringing United States-style democracy to thousands and thousands of grateful Arabian people, the US President George W Bush is feeling “buoyed up”. Late in the month, he announces plans to invade North Korea. A White House defence spokesperson said the president is convinced that North Korea is producing WMA (Weapons of Mass Annihilation) in the shape of nuclear bombs, which North Korea is supplying to terrorist organisations. This poses a threat not only to the United States but to the world at large. Bush is reported chuckling to his military advisers: “If you think it was fun pulling down a statue of Saddam Hussein with an Abrahams tank, wait until it’s the turn of that hundred foot-high statue of ex-North Korean God-President, Kim Il Sung.”
February: In a surprise move the Department of Health totally withdraws the supply of anti-retroviral drugs by state hospitals. The reason given is that the cost of this important treatment for HIV/Aids has become prohibitive due to the large scale roll-out of the drugs by senior hospital staff, who then roll-in the drugs back into the hospital at inflated rates. The department says that its resources to control this trade are exhausted.
March: SABC television broadcasts the first episode in a 28 part mini-series on the life of Hansie Cronje. Titled Misunderstood Hero, the first episode deals with Hansie’s early years, focusing on the occasion where he was expelled from nursery school for cheating in a finger-painting competition.
April: In response to pressure in noseweek magazine, mining magnate, pianist and colourful multi-millionaire, Brett Kebble, finally submits his tax returns for 1994. In this better-than-average year all 20 of poor Brett’s companies made a before-tax profit of only R13,52 — a figure gratefully accepted as accurate and fair by Deputy Commissioner for Inland Revenue, Ivan Pillay.
May: Very exciting news will be the giving of birth to baby twin gorillas by a human mother. In April Charmaine Dogelle was sexually abused by a rogue silverback while she was on a sightseeing safari in Rwanda. The gorilla also stole her sleeping bag.
June: In a spectacular media display on the 15th of the month Brenda Fassie rises from the dead, gives one last fantastic farewell performance. The costs of her second celebrity funeral will be borne by the Department of Arts and Culture.
July: In a long-expected move Prince Charles finally comes out of the closet and reveals that Camilla Parker-Bowles is actually a 72-year-old stablehand called Jim Bender who, in his spare time, is a Hungarian drag artist. A commentator says that it’s the first time in British history there have been two queens in the royal family at the same time.
August: Early in the month the Eastern Cape provincial executive of the African National Congress introduces daylight stealing time.
September: The Scorpions announce further unavoidable delays in the investigation into the Travelgate scandal. A Democratic Alliance MP has already been disciplined and given a suspended jail sentence for his part in the fraudulent use of parliamentary travel vouchers, as have two New National Party MPs. Seven travel agents are already serving lengthy jail terms. However, charges are yet to
be laid against 19 ANC MPs also involved. The delays are described as “procedural” by a spokesperson for the Scorpions who confirms that the speaker of the House of Representatives has intervened, insisting that certain parliamentary protocols have to be addressed before criminal charges can be brought against members of the ruling party.
October: In Bloemfontein the Schabir Shaik appeal moves into its 17th week. Two of the presiding judges recuse themselves from the hearing on grounds of mental decay.
November: Constitutional court judge Albie Sachs is awarded an honorary doctorate in plastic chiropody by the University of Stellenbosch. “We’ve got quite a few honorary degrees lying around,” said a senior professor, “and we don’t want to see them go to waste. If anyone knows of anyone who deserves recognition for anything at all — especially if it’s in any vague way anti-apartheid-related — please let our vice-chancellor know.”
December: In a groundbreaking judgment, Christmas is declared unconstitutional by Belville junior magistrate, Mohammed al Caponah. The Archbishop of Cape Town, Njongonkulu Winston Hugh Ndungane, says the judgment will be taken on appeal early in the new year on the grounds that he has more names than the magistrate. While the matter remains sub judice all Christmas church services are cancelled.
In closing: I see that in last week’s Mail & Guardian, I was mentioned in a dispatch for the presidency. It came from Tony Heard, ex-Cape Times editor, nowadays political shoeshine boy at the Union Buildings. Tony described me as being “sell-by date expired”. Right on, Tony, But it’s a tad more respectable than your twilight function: “sell-out-by” date expired.