Not the Mail & Guardian is Robert Kirby’s startling and savagely satirical parody of the Mail & Guardian newspaper. Any similarity between real people and characters portrayed here is anything but coincidental
Aries: If you’re a public servant with the odd travel scam under your belt, it’s time to take a job as an aid worker in Chechnya. With a bit of luck, when you return a bigger, better scam will have eclipsed yours.
Taurus: You will be kidnapped by aliens keen to meet Richard Branson, whom they wish to eat. You persuade them there is a far yummier candidate named George who lives in a big white house on the next continent.
Gemini: It is not a good time to go to Baghdad. The secretary of your historical association may have been convinced by that cute Yank at the local News Café that everything is hunky-dory there, but it isn’t. If you are feeling suicidal, go for it.
Cancer: You have a brilliant year ahead. Your husband will leave you and take the kids and Maltese poodles inherited from mum-in-law.
Leo: Mighty tau may come face to face with an elephant, rather like what happened to spin doctor Jonny Moyo, who underestimated the power of the great pachyderms of Zanu-PF and is licking his wounds.
Virgo: You will win a CNN Reality TV experience to see the guerrillas in central Africa. You think they mean the great apes, so you go. Your group is surrounded by armed men who call themselves the Interhumbees or something. You are exposed to simulated massacres and a prolonged play-play battle between the ‘Humbees and the Tootsies. You’ll tell everyone it was so much better than Survivor.
Libra: A shitty year lies ahead. You will receive a bill for R67 000 from the council for water they claim you haven’t paid for. Even if you do pay it, you will be cut off.
Scorpio: Things ain’t what they used to be in good ol’ Africa, are they? The natives have become restless about armed interlopers landing on their soil and nobbling their dictators. How unfair. Where’s a dog of war to turn to next?
Sagittarius: Don’t move to Cape Town, the most you’ll be able to afford is a dog kennel on the Flats. On the other hand, while wandering through Constantia you might catch sight of Mark Thatcher waiting for his court case. Walk on, or the man might try to flog you a used helicopter or something.
Capricorn: Remember ‘It’s just a jump to the left”? Well, it’s a workable motto if you want to block the pathetic cries of the lumpen proletariat and snaffle up some Telkom shares. So confront yourself in the mirror, flash that BEE smile and sing: ‘It’s just a jump to the right …”
Aquarius: It is possible those dudes in overalls hanging out in the street are Scorpions in disguise, who are checking out your house, your wife’s diamond ring and the dog’s zircon-encrusted collar. On the other hand, perhaps you are suffering from a touch of paranoia because minor public officials do get paid quite a lot these days, don’t they?
Pisces: Now don’t be upset when you hear the cell door close. You have gone down to protect others who didn’t want to face the butt-bunnies. Anyway, your many brothers will smuggle money to you, and you’ll set yourself up as a Main Man. —