Robotic Lions and frog-legged cyclists

January: The penalty imposed on Spanish football by Fifa after racist chants during the game against England seems to have had little effect as more racial abuse rains down from the terraces in Madrid. ‘This just goes to prove the truth of the old adage — if you fine peanuts you get monkey chants,” says one observer.

February: Several members of the Lions party complain that Sir Clive Woodward’s meticulously prepared tour timetable means that every second in New Zealand is accounted for. ‘Woodward treats us like robots,” Brian O’Driscoll tells reporters. ‘We are told when to go to bed, when to get up, when to eat. We are even told when to whinge to the media about what a control freak Sir Clive is.”

March: As preparations for the grand prix season get under way, allegations that Bernie Ecclestone treats formula one like his personal Scalextric set are confirmed when he forgets to pack away all the drivers and his mother hoovers up Juan Pablo Montoya. ‘We will get him back the minute Mum empties the bag,” says Ecclestone. ‘In the meantime we will just have to glue a World War II Marine into the driver’s seat.”

May: Forgotten heavyweight Audley Harrison announces that in his next fight Audley Harrison will meet Audley Harrison. ‘They say that a man’s toughest foe is himself and now we will find out if that’s true,” says Harrison. ‘Obviously it is a step up in class for me but the same is true for my opponent. We are both unbeaten but at the end of the night that will no longer be the case for one of us, or neither of us, or both of us … can somebody get me an aspirin, my head’s aching?”

June: Australian paceman Glenn McGrath is reported to the International Cricket Council for what umpire Steve Bucknor says is a ‘suspicious throwing action”. ‘When McGrath chucks the ball his arm remains straight and he does not jerk or bend it through 15 degrees or anything like,” Bucknor explains. ‘It just comes over in a smooth arc which is clearly an attempt to gain an unfair advantage.”

The Australian team deny any wrongdoing on the part of McGrath. ‘Glenn suffers from an extremely rare medical condition that allows him to straighten his arm totally and keep it that way even when whirling it around extremely fast,” says Ricky Ponting. ‘He should not be punished for that.”

However, in the build-up to the Ashes series British Prime Minister Tony Blair is in no mood for conciliation. ‘Put plainly and simply Glenn McGrath bowls it,” he tells reporters, ‘and there is no room for that in the modern game.”

July: In the Tour de France there’s alarm at suggestions that leading cyclists may be using genetic engineering to improve their performances.

‘They have been experimenting with the DNA of frogs,” says an insider. ‘This gives their leg muscles power and a delicate chicken-like taste.” However, scientists voice concerns. ‘They are tampering with nature and putting themselves in grave danger,” says one geneticist. ‘If it carries on there is a real chance that somebody will croak.”

August: At the World Athletics Championships suspicions are aroused when a previously unknown Australian wins the men’s long jump with an astounding leap of 10,58m. Questioned at a post-victory press conference Joey Bushtucker tells reporters: ‘Tsk tsk. Tsk tsk tsk. Tsk tsk, tsk.” ‘I think what he’s trying to tell us,” says his coach, ‘is that Sonny is trapped down the old mine shaft. Quick, come on, he wants us to follow him.”

September: The International Olympic Committee announces that in future the right to host the Olympics will be auctioned on ebay.

November: Once again the good name of mud is dragged through the football as the News of the World reveals that the pressure of life in Madrid has led to David Beckham becoming addicted to the stars’ drug of choice. ‘I knew something was going on,” says a Real insider. ‘All during dinner David kept disappearing into the restaurant lavatory. Eventually I followed him in and found him leaning over a mirror with that tell-tale sparkle in his eye.”

Faced with the evidence Beckham confesses everything. ‘For some time now I have been addicted to myself.” However, he denies reports of substance abuse, saying: ‘I have never had any substance whatsoever.” —