Presentation: All entries should be mounted on minimum A3 or maximum A2 size, 120-250gsm board (preferably black, but other colours are acceptable). The mounting should be such that the board is suitable for display purposes. If the entry comprises more than one page, the pages should be presented on different boards.
Each board should be clearly marked in the top right hand corner with the entrant’s name, the page number (eg. ‘pg 1 of 5”) and the category name and number. Entry forms (originals or photocopies thereof), as well as letters of motivation for journalism entries, should be pasted flat on the reverse side of the first page of the entry. Entries for multiple categories should each have their own separate entry form and motivation letter, and sufficient additional copies of the actual entry. One entry form for multiple entries will not be accepted. Entry forms must be completed in full and signed by the person entering. If the form is not signed, your (sic) entry will be rejected. Articles must be fully displayed and not in plastic sleeves, etc. (sic)
A fee of R100 (vat inclusive) per entrance (individual) will be charged. Cheques must be payable to the Newspaper Association of SA (NASA). Payment must accompany entry or it will be rejected. (sic)
Kafka, himself, would have been floored by such foetidity of bureaucratic flatulence. The three paragraphs above are among a set of peremptory stipulations laid down for any journalist wishing to enter work for the Mondi Shanduka awards, an annual PR frolic in which 10 prizes of R10 000 each are up for grabs. Among requirements are that entrants accompany each submission with a ‘letter of motivation” and ‘any additional information which may give the judging panel more insight into the origination (sic) of the work”.
Letters of support from the (sic) Editor will be accepted as part of the motivation. The motivation may address how the work was conceived, the time taken for its production, the obstacles faced and surmounted and the impact that it had.
It is imperative that your Editor or, in the case of freelancers, the Editor who has (sic) commissioned your services signs and approves your entry, or your entry will be rejected.
Those are another two paragraphs, laying out just a few more of the terms, conditions, rules, regulations, guidelines, procedures, prerequisites, criteria and design specifications in the richly presented ‘Call for Entries” brochure, printed in full colour on approved grams-per-square-metre, opulently illustrated cardboard by the generous folk at Mondi Shanduka. At only 50 howlers per square metre, the literary quality of the brochure doesn’t quite measure up to its grade of cardboard — but at least they tried.
Whoever’s heard of awards like these being open only to those who can afford to pay an entrance fee; apart from all the hassle of cardboard mounting, the humiliation of writing self-admiring letters of motivation, of having to seek the editor’s written permission? I haven’t the faintest idea of how many entrants the Mondi Shanduka awards attract, but offering prizes only to those who pay to enter renders the whole exercise as more of a raffle than anything else. At R100 a throw, only 500 entries will rake in R50 000 for the organisers — half the prize money.
Neither do I know whether the editors of newspapers were consulted before they were added to the Mondi Shanduka newspaper awards quality control line, as a forward defence platoon. It’s doubtful anyway if editors would spike material being submitted as being of unsatisfactory quality. After all, they published it in the first place. Then there’s the spin-off credit a newspaper would receive if an entry from one of its journalists won an award. As a rule, editors don’t like shooting themselves in both feet at the same time.
The luxurious Mondi Shanduka ‘Call For Entries” brochure sets the tone. Its theme is ‘Moments of Truth”, truth itself being defined on its first page in a sophomoric mini-essay of exquisite fatuity.
THE TRUTH is a fact that has been verified, conformity to reality or actuality, the quality of nearness to the truth or true value. Everyone disputes its meaning, but it never lies. Truth denotes a static assertion that changes from person to person, opinion to opinion, culture to culture, Truth is exact time, place, form and event. The truth is a moment.
But the ‘moment of truth” is different. It seperates (sic spelling) good from great. It’s the difference between the story and a story. It’s about standing your ground in the face of adversity. It’s a moment between the present and the past. It’s a heartbeat that splinters the silence. And it ends the moment it begins.
Composing a gem like that must have taken quite a few lines of finest Colombian. It’s worth repeating because it’s a better satire than I could ever hope to produce on the intellectual pretension of this whole flamboyant exercise.
If I can still afford the R100, I shall be entering this column in either the Creative Writing or the Investigative Journalism categories for next year’s Mondi Shanduka awards. I will do my level best to acquire cardboard of an appropriate shade of affirmative black. In the spirit of transparency I shall also seek to publish my letters of motivation.
6 Across was the 45-letter one: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The solution to the rest of the Not The Mail & Guardian crossword of January 7 is on Page 40