HIV/Aids Q&A
Researchers believe that HIV infection reaches a peak during December. Many people go on holiday, more alcohol is consumed and safe-sex standards fall.
At present around 2 000 South Africans are infected with HIV each day. More than 700 die of Aids each day. More than 7 000 babies die of Aids each month. Last year, 40% of those who died in South Africa succumbed to Aids, and the SA Medical Research Council has warned that no effective measures are in place to defeat this epidemic. The most important change of all needs to be in individual sexual behaviour. Condoms are not 100% effective, and the only reliable way of staving off HIV is by having one partner and ensuring that partner is HIV-negative and remains faithful to you, as you remain faithful to him or her.
Q: Dear Charlene
I went out with my first boyfriend in 1996. He was a teacher and I was a learner. He refused to use condoms. He said he did not have HIV and that I would be the one who gave it to him. I was faithful to him until late 1999, when I slept with someone else, once only. It was unprotected sex. Early in 2000 I fell pregnant from my first lover. I had an HIV test in July 1999, and it was negative, and I also donated blood in that year. In the seventh month of my pregnancy I had flu and a sore throat, and an HIV test showed I was positive. I later got TB too. In November 2000 the child’s father said he had shingles on his thigh. He won’t go for an HIV test. I did not tell him I am HIV-positive.
Unfortunately the baby was a mistake, and now I want to move on with my life. Also, I have met someone else. We are condomising, and I love this man, who is not the father of the child. I don’t know how to tell him I don’t want him anymore. I feel pity for him, but I can’t live with a stubborn person.
Who do you think I got HIV from? Is it wrong for me to leave a person I don’t love anymore just because we are HIV-positive? Maybe I gave him HIV. I don’t know. Should I let him know my status, or should I let him find out himself?
Please emphasise when you write that HIV is something that should be spoken about, and is just like any other disease and will have a cure one day. Doctors must stop saying it is confidential, because that is what kills us. We keep it to ourselves and don’t share it with others. Simply by speaking we can get support from family and friends, and people will really believe it is there, because some don’t believe it.
Please let’s break the silence.
– Felicia Steenburg, Margate
A: I agree with the last part of your letter, Felicia – I think silence is dangerous, it traps us into awkward situations like the one you are in and it helps denial. Thank you for your sensible words of wisdom.
Your life has become quite complicated. It is impossible to know who you originally got the virus from. A woman can get the virus from a single sexual encounter. It seems you would have got the virus after donating blood, because blood donor banks usually screen blood before we donate. However, sometimes infected blood does get past the initial screening and is later thrown away.
I think you should live your life with the person you love. Even if you did not have the virus, you would have to make this decision. We have only one life; we should try to ensure it is happy, and dishonesty doesn’t breed happiness. You need to end the first relationship, because he will find out about the other man and that will lead to all sorts of problems. Also, remember that your little one did not ask to be born, so give him lots of love and bring him up with care.
Should you disclose? And have you disclosed to the new partner? The easy answer is yes. It is harder to do that than to know that, however. I suggest you visit the Port Shepstone Aids hospice, which is close to Murchison Hospital. They have some excellent counsellors with whom you can discuss the situation and arrive at a good decision. Alternatively, Sister Irene Bopela at Ntabeni Clinic near Munster is a wonderful, highly experienced nurse. She and her team will be able to assist you with advice and treatment.
What has helped some people to disclose is to find a counsellor you trust and like, then suggest to your partner that you both go for an HIV test and pretend this is the first time you are going. If you are both in a counselling environment when you get the results, it is easier to disclose and to talk matters through with people trained to help you both. But first you should speak to a counsellor and find the option that best suits you.
Please continue practising safe sex as an HIV-positive person, because if your new partner is HIV-positive, you will reinfect yourself every time you have sex and become much more ill much faster. If he is negative, then it is your responsibility to ensure he stays that way. Best of luck!
A number of writers have asked where they can do courses to learn how to become a good HIV counsellor. If you contact the SA HIV Clinicians Society, they can give you details of courses. Phone (011) 453-5066, fax (011) 453-5059 or write to [email protected] or Private Bag X2600, Houghton 2041. Alternatively, if you contact a branch of AidsLink or ATICC in your community, or phone the Aids Helpline, they should be able to assist.
– The Teacher/M&G Media, Johannesburg, December 2001.