Crystal Palace deserve to stay up because Iain Dowie coined the immortal phrase ”bouncebackability”, because he took Palace from fourth from the bottom [of the first division] to Premiership promotion last season and because his chairperson, Simon Jordan, hasn’t given him much to spend this season.
Norwich deserve to stay up because they have super-chef chairperson Delia Smith, who was brave enough to tell her fans: ”Let’s be having you”, because they wear garish yellow and brighten up the Premiership and because manager Nigel Worthington has promised to wear his lucky underpants back to front ”if that helps”.
Southampton deserve to stay up because manager Harry Redknapp bravely moved from local rivals Portsmouth to preserve the Saints’ 23-year run in the top flight, because he signed his own son Jamie to help out and because striker Peter Crouch is endlessly entertaining.
West Brom deserve to stay up because they’ve never managed to survive more than a season in the Premiership, they’ve got the silliest nickname in the Premiership (”the Baggies”) and Bryan Robson was a great England captain who deserves a little sunshine with Birmingham’s much-maligned third force.
Okay, those are the positives as we head towards the final day of the season with no club officially relegated for the first time since the Premiership started in 1992.
There are plenty more reasons to be hopeful, depending on your allegiances as we head for the final Sunday with the title wrapped up by Chelsea, Arsenal securely in second, United unhappy in third, Everton holding off Liverpool in fourth.
Valium all round on Sunday, then. Here’s how I think it will pan out:
Birmingham v Arsenal
Birmingham’s last chance to grab a few points and make Steve Bruce feel a little better after a disappointing season. Arsenal are top of the form charts and their Dutchman, Dennis Bergkamp, feels they play a better brand of football than Chelsea. But we could see why they don’t win as often if the Brummies get tough at St Andrews.
Verdict: Birmingham 2, Arsenal 2
Bolton v Everton
Bolton deserve a crack at Europe, even if it is only at Uefa Cup level. Everton boss David Moyes is a widely backed choice as boss of the year for getting Everton into the Champions League despite selling two of his best players, Wayne Rooney and Tomas Gravesen. But their job is done, fourth place is secure, Bolton should be happy at home.
Verdict: Bolton 2, Everton 0
Charlton v Crystal Palace
Charlton have managed just one point in their last six games as they go through the annual ritual of running out of steam. Alan Curbishley is so frustrated, he’s talking about walking away. He just might. Palace will win this one, they’re still full of fight and Iain Dowie will have them well prepared. They just need Norwich to drop points.
Verdict: Charlton 1, Crystal Palace 2
Fulham v Norwich
Fulham eased themselves nicely out of the relegation zone over the past few weeks and I reckon they’ll be looking forward to their summer holidays. But, for the sake of Premiership football, let’s hope they pull one last big performance out of the hat. If they fold and allow Norwich an easy ride on Sunday, we’ll all be spitting mad.
Verdict: Fulham 1, Norwich 1
Liverpool v Aston Villa
Villa have fallen away badly in recent weeks and last Sunday we saw their manager, David O’Leary, hauled through the pages of a tabloid for alleged text messages. Not a good time to be a villain, though victory here could see them get the Uefa Cup spot if Boro slip up and City don’t win by many. Liverpool have the Champions League final coming up on May 25: that’s all that matters. This may not be pretty.
Verdict: Liverpool 2, Aston Villa 2
Man City v Middlesbrough
The big battle for the seventh spot and Uefa Cup qualification. Stuart Pearce, as I predicted, will get the City job full-time after an eight-match unbeaten run. He has galvanised City and put them on the brink of Europe since taking over from lame duck Kevin Keegan at the City of Manchester Stadium. Steve McClaren may now find a rival for his title of ”best English manager in the Premiership”.
Verdict: City 1, Boro 1
Newcastle v Chelsea
Newcastle’s season fell apart after the Lee Bowyer/Keiron Dyer spat. Two four-goal semifinal defeats point up the paucity of their defence and Craig Bellamy’s departure for Celtic seemed to work wonders for a few weeks. In truth, Alan Shearer’s presence seems to hamper rather than help, as Patrick Kluivert found at Fulham recently. Big shake-up needed here. Will Steve Bruce replace Graeme Souness over the summer? You’ll read it here first.
Verdict: Newcastle 0, Chelsea 4
Southampton v Man United
What a classic finish. Southampton haven’t enjoyed quite the resurgence we expected under Harry Redknapp and we’re going to miss the old red and white stripes, which have kept the south coast on the footballing map over the last generation. United can’t afford charity; they’ll be playing for their FA Cup final places after the abject capitulation against Chelsea during the week. Sir Alex Ferguson is the kind of boss who doesn’t expect his employees to take it easy just because there’s nothing riding on it.
Verdict: Southampton 0, Man United 2
Tottenham v Blackburn
Another nearly season for Spurs. Martin Jol will do better next winter, but he still can’t quite find what makes his side tick, despite a series of interesting signings and the to-be-applauded promotion of youth. They’re young and they’ll be stronger next season, but Blackburn under Mark Hughes may just choose to kick them off the park to finish the season with a bang on Sunday. I’d love to see Rovers go down next season.
Verdict: Spurs 1, Blackburn 1
West Brom v Portsmouth
The Baggies have fought long and hard to avoid the drop we all expected from day one. Bryan Robson knows a thing or two about being brave in defeat, though I think they’ll win here and go down. Portsmouth and Alain Perrin may have survived, but they’ll be in the same position next season.
Verdict: West Brom 1, Portsmouth 0