A little bird told me that my name was put forward as a possible master of ceremonies for this year’s Mondi magazine awards. Not surprisingly I didn’t get the job. My past comments about the Mondi awards have obviously upset the suits there and the very mention of my name brings them out in an itchy rash. I don’t think Robert Kirby was in the running for the MC job either.
In a way I’m sorry that the Mondi suits have taken such umbrage but the corporate world is a strange place. Obviously Mondi want to get some brand mileage out of all this nonsense, so instead of questioning whether critics of these literary beauty contests have a valid point it’s much easier to assume that they’re either mad or extremely envious and carry on with the annual charade as if they don’t exist. What I’d love to know is whether winning a Mondi award a) improves your chances of publication and b) ups your word rate significantly. From what I hear it does neither, which is probably why Kirby and I can’t see the point of entering. I regard myself as a literary mercenary and if you want me to stick copies of my past articles to a piece of A5 board (or whatever it is you have to do to enter) then you’ll have to pay me for my time. At least if you win an Oscar you can command a few million extra dollars for your next movie.
What we really need in this country is a writing award that encourages new talent rather than backslaps the same old names every year. After all, there’s little point in someone like me winning a Mondi award because I’m already a celebrity columnist. Barmen greet me by name, I get upgraded on airlines and I never have to wait for a table at a crowded restaurant. This is all very nice and, of course, well deserved on my part but I’d dearly love to introduce others to this glitzy lifestyle only because it seems a little selfish not to do so.
I never studied journalism at university; I was just invited, out of the blue as it were, to write a column for the country’s best-selling newspaper and it’s still going strong after eleven years. I naively thought this was how it always worked until a friend who had studied journalism at Rhodes pointed out that a column with your own by-line is the ultimate dream of many journalism graduates. First step of course is to get into print and that isn’t always as easy as it should be. The newspaper and magazine industry is already overcrowded and the rate of attrition is not particularly high so there are few opportunities for emerging writing talent. Add to this the fact that scoundrels and poodle-fakers are forgiven and re-employed and you soon come to realise that there is little opportunity for new talent. It’s a bit like a spastic colon; nothing new can get through because there is too much s**t clogging the system. Since Mondi have no interest in anyone who hasn’t already been published I suggest that a new sponsor be found to encourage those about to graduate in journalism and give deserving cases an early career boost. As I’m particularly interested in someone with the right credentials to take over the “Out to Lunch” column when I become too decrepit to produce it I’ll put up the money for that one.