I thought we’d explore the incredibly fascinating and cutting edge concept of charred bread this week. You might find it hard to believe, in fact, just how seriously some people take the concept of toast.
To begin with, just in case you don’t know, here’s a brief definition of what we mean by the term ‘toast”.
If you’re lucky enough to have had insane hippie parents who decided to call you Toast, go discover what your name means, according to Kabalarian Philosophy
Next is a general overview, beginning roughly at the Dawn of Humankind, (probably sometime in the morning) and moving on from there, titled A Moron’s Guide to Toast.
If this column theme has put you out to sea in your new luxury yacht, you’ll be surprised and delighted to note that, on this page of accessories for Marine Products (from boarding ladders to handrails for your yacht) you’ll see for sale, the World Famous Dixon-Marine SS Golden Brown Toaster.
Now, dipping briefly into art, go read and see how a huge montage of 3053 pieces of toast was put to together on a wall to create an image of a Toaster.
And before you ask, here’s the Webster Dictionary definition of a toaster.
As everyone knows, dropped buttered toast always hits the floor face downwards, and cats always land on their feet. Therefore, strapping buttered toast to cats ought to create something pretty amazing – perhaps even an all new kind of energy system. Read Cats And Buttered Toast.
Science has long been interested in the phenomena of toast, and its potential as a — well — as a thing that could do something else, given half the chance. Read Tumbling Toast, Murphy’s Law and the Fundamental Constants. Then consider A Closer Look At Toast.
And for another very cool use of science, in order to make the process of getting toast even easier, read the documents and discover The Talking Toaster.
One of the still classic science moments, as well as an early formative demonstration of the internet’s ability to let scientists be silly, is the 1994 Flaming Pop-Tart Toaster Experiment.
Of course, there comes a time in every person’s life, when they feel the need to buy a toaster for themselves. This shouldn’t be taken lightly, as can be seen at How To Choose A Toaster.
Here’s an idea. Why buy bread and store it, prior to toasting, when you can buy frozen toast? What’s the difference? Well, I guess the main difference is that the one has a label saying its Frozen Toast.
Or, to make you want to tear your own eyes out at the sheer horrifying sickening charm of toast, as described by one doting mother, read Enjoying The Real Priorities.
Some people are allergic to wheat and wheat products. Others — like me — are allergic to organised religion. So to observe the chaos that arises from combining these two separate things by someone with a not too well hidden agenda, who begins talking about allergies and toast, whizzes past ‘spam”, and ends up quoting the Bible, read A Taste For Toast.
Then, just to irritate those who don’t have anything better to do with their intellect then get irritated, (it needs a lot of work) but here’s the start of The Toast Bible.
Veterans of the last Toaster War will be pleased to note that their sacrifices were not in vain, and many of the surviving toasters who did service above and beyond the call of duty, can be found at both The Toaster Museum and Toaster!.
Or, for collections of toaster-related things, in a non-museum setting, browse through Toaster Collectibles.
To flush the mind and return to the zen state of Yoda-speak, as well as to see a collection of one-liners relating to toast, try the Toast Manifesto.
Fan fiction seems to play a part in the life of toast-fans. It’s not enough to eat the stuff — they need to write stories incorporating toast in strange and unusual ways. For instance, browse through Revenge of the Toaster.
And stretching back in time to 1724, go read the origins of what we today call French Toast.
And in case you thought that a focus on the apparently banal isn’t of much use, read Phsicists Solve Falling Paper Problem.
Until the next time, if the ovens don’t get me —
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