It is with a sense of jealousy, a feeling of having lost out, that I see King Mswati III of Swaziland is taking unto himself his 13th wife. I don’t for a moment want to garnish myself with 13 wives, however young and attractive they may be; how sensually they disport themselves at the Sea Point reed dances. But I can’t help wondering why we males of the colonial-residue set are being discriminated against by outdated, Eurocentric monogamy laws that have no place in Africa? Clearly this is a matter for consideration by the Constitutional Court. If, like Mrs Winnie Madikizela-Mandela, I could afford the lawyers, I’d be there like a shot.
White and/or Westernised males are severely disadvantaged in that we are not allowed to have several wives simultaneously. The best we are allowed is a push-and-pull marriage: we have to apprehend our wives one at a time. While there is no limit on numbers — a friend of mine is currently getting shot of number seven — this is fundamentally unfair. Once we have divorced a wife, we often have to go on supporting her. This means that while we are paying for her upkeep, right down to her cosmetics, we are not receiving any of the benefits — never mind conjugal rights — of having her readily at hand. This is lobola on the never-never.
Properly managed, a multiple-marriage is an ideal way of ensuring several people enjoy a productive and harmonious life together. African people have practised polygamy for centuries and have made a great success of it. There is no reason why non-African men should be denied the profits and pleasures of such arrangements.
For the sake of argument, I am assuming that a multiple marriage takes place over a period of time. A husband starts off with only one wife and then, after the first children arrive and the burdens of domestic life increase, a second wife is taken in order to relieve wife number one of the more onerous of marital duties, free her up for cooking, polishing and kiddie-care. The new wife must, of course, be younger and prettier than the first one so as to be ready to take over the burdensome late-night conjugal duties with which the first wife has long since become jaded.
The new, younger wife would also undertake such tiresome duties as both playing charming escort to her husband and being living proof of his virility, at innumerable dinner parties, overseas business trips and the like. Any first wife would be only too grateful not to have to tart herself up and spend evenings listening to her husband crank out the same exhausted jokes and boring recollections to his drunken friends and business associates. Far more dignified to stay at home and do the ironing in peace.
Inevitably, similar benefits will befall the second wife. After she’s produced her contribution of two or three kids, has listened to the same exhausted jokes a few hundred times and is sick and tired of being summoned upstairs to play the game of the two-backed monster, she will welcome the relief when a bonny new third wife makes her appearance. In fact, by this time, both she and the first wife will likely have been casting around on their own, looking for a suitable candidate.
A new, even prettier wife for the husband will spell more tranquil times for the first two wives. They’ll now have company for those previously long, lonely hours driving the vacuum cleaner. Lots of chat, tea and sympathy, while the pretty young new wife keeps the husband out and on his toes.
Once it is up and running, a medium-size three-wife conjugality has a lot going for it. Obviously, there isn’t space here to envision all the benefits of polygamy. What should be considered is the reverse of the traditional and decidedly chauvinistic arrangements: women should be allowed the right to have multiple-husband marriages.
I know this a dangerous idea because when my insurance broker heard I was going to write about ‘reverse polygamy” he quickly added an exclusion clause.
The perils of reverse polygamy are simply beyond measure. Any modern woman with a clutch of obedient men at her beck and call, is a frightening prospect. Using the long-suppressed imagination of her gender there is no knowing what cold revenge she could take. It is no wonder that in all societies, the very idea of reverse polygamy is punishable by something approaching, or even, death itself. In any culture you like, African, European, Asian, Arabic, the idea of a woman having several husbands flies in the face of traditions going back to the very dawn of time. Worse than that, such an idea would be in whetted conflict with the established prejudices about women, going back even further than the very dawn of time. They don’t call it the Big Bang for nothing.
As terrifying as it is, reverse polygamy is something that South Africa, as a developing nation, should have the courage to implement. I hope someone nice, like Mr Jacob Zuma’s ex-first wife, will take it up.