Let’s start off this week with a site to test whether you have a sense of humour, or are in fact a disguised simian that has learned to walk erect, blend in and buy the latest consumer goods.
Have children? Feel like a quiet weekend? Why not rent your kids out to complete (and paying) strangers for the weekend, to get some peace and quiet? Yes, you read it right — instead of lying around the house in some enforced phase of extended stupidity known as “childhood”, your children could be earning you big money, every weekend! Have a look at the cutting edge in child-rental agencies at Rent My Daughter.
In incredibly important news, dolphins — at least the ones not being trained to kill people by the United States Navy — have finally been taught something useful. Read Dolphins Sing the Batman Theme.
In case you think the world is somehow serious, please note this news item that fails to point out that Nicolas Cage Names His New Son after Superman.
How about the many Belgian children who stared in horror as the Smurfs and their village got bombed by warplanes? Or so it seemed. Grin gleefully at the news item detailing Smurfs Used as Shock Ad in Unicef Fund-Raising Advert.
What’s better than buying a nice long ponytail of human hair? You got it — buying the ponytail and a nice picture of the unhappy girl who’s just had her ponytail cut off. Go make some teenager unhappy and get a pic to prove it, at Ponytail Plus Unhappy Pic.
Unlike in South Africa — where the police almost expect you to beat yourself up, to save them the time and trouble, and wearing masks is “illegal” at gatherings — more civilised parts of the world which are not backward, authoritarian irrelevant dumps like this one allow you to wear whatever the hell you want. Have a look at these cool French sweatshirts that have built-in masks. Naturally, in this country, these would be “illegal” — I want one: French Masked Sweatshirts.
Goodbye De Beers, get ready to go out of business. I won’t miss you at all. Read about genuine and perfect diamonds being made in a garage, at Man-Made Diamonds Sparkle with Potential.
Some of our fat local politicians could do with this one. Read Pravda’s own special detailing of The Diet of Kremlin Politicians.
Need to sneak around without being detectable by infrared technology? Want to drive your
Volksie in search of the hidden underground submarine pens on the Cape coast without getting stopped by whiney soldiers? Check out this great new anti-thermal coating that can render your vehicle undetectable by military infrared detection systems: Anti-Infrared Coating.
Your personal identification number on your bank card uses an encryption technology that was hacked some time back, and naturally the British court that this case was heard in has sealed a range of official documents and statements dealing with this — presumably in hopes that customers won’t notice. For a variety of technically “secret” and legally sealed documents (in the United Kingdom), including some very interesting affidavits by local Standard Bank and “Trust Bank” computer and security people, have a look at Hacked Pin Number Encryption Court Case Documents.
Did you hear the one about the large, invisible ghost that told the leader of the most powerful nation on Earth to do something that’s killed more than 100 000 people thus far? No, I’m not kidding. Apparently some kind of big, unseen ghost whispered into the ear of United States President George Bush, and that’s the motivation he used. Read ‘God Told Bush To Go To War’.
If animals and reptiles could say “oops”, then the python that popped after eating an alligator too big for it would be cursing: The Strange Case of the Exploding Python.
A heat death ray in 212 BC? Yes, see the results of this MIT Archimedes Death Ray Experiment.
So you’re in prison, and you and your loved one — no, not Bubba from the cell next door, a real live woman — have taken photographs on visiting day. How do you disguise the fact that your pics clearly show the cell you’re in? Read this great Wired article on a firm offering to retouch your prison pics to show you and your significant other in nicely exotic “holiday” surroundings — in order not to freak out the kids one day: Photoshop Magic Melts Prison Bars.
Staying with variations on love: as the more educated of you will know, there’s a vast pantheon of “fan fiction” detailing all manner of strange, moist and interesting encounters between the people of the Star Trek universe. For instance, here’s a link to a “non-explicit” site dedicated to the — er, ahem — love between Spock and Captain Kirk. You’ll need to hit the enter key twice to see it, but have a look at this odd, fun and only slightly cheesy painting of Spock and Kirk Sharing a Bath.
The drummer of classic group The Doors remains one of the few inspirational musicians in the world who hasn’t sold his soul and music to corporate interests. Read how he stays true to the late Jim Morrison’s view that real music shouldn’t be used to sell products or help pollute the world. Read Ex-Door Lighting Their Ire.
Heard about the 36m-long and 63 000kg salmon that landed at an airport recently?
Go stare at what happens when an airline meets fish at Alaska Airlines Salmon-Thirty-Salmon.
How about an amazing, self-illuminated bathtub that looks so weirdly wonderful, you don’t know whether to run a bath or host an art exhibition around it? Go order me an Illuminated Bathtub.
In more cool new-gadget news, how about a pair of slippers with their own lights? No kidding, they look brilliant for late-night moving around — or, for that matter, to scare people on the street as you stroll. Go see the aptly named Brightfeet Lighted Slippers.
Even better, imagine the fun to be had every morning with an oversleeping partner or child — you have what looks like a hand grenade, you pull the pin, yell “Fire in the hole!” and hurl the grenade into the room of the sleeper who won’t wake up. And run. Ten seconds later, a loud, shrieking alarm goes off from the grenade (a sonic device) — and, best of all, the sleeper has to find you to have the pin put back in, in order to switch it off. Yeah, baby, yeah! Go drool over The Sonic Alarm Hand Grenade.
What do the police do if you’re a bank robber and you say you have a bomb in your mouth? Correct — have a look at this great pic of a bomb-sniffing police robot checking the prisoner’s mouth for explosives. Bank Robber’s Mouth Meets Robot.
Here’s something fun to drive people you don’t like completely insane over time. It’s a small gadget that does nothing but beep at regular intervals. Hide it in someone’s house or office, and watch them gradually disintegrate as they try to find the device. Its name? The Mind Molester.
You’ve no doubt heard of “The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat’ — now try The Jamaican Whose Hair Is a Hat.
Meet the what? A woman was kicked off plane recently in the US. Her crime? Wearing a T-shirt with pix of Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld titled ‘Meet the F*ckers’.
For fans of duct tape, at last your fetish needs have been answered — stare in thoughtful consideration of why anyone would want to Disguise Band-Aid Plasters as Duct Tape.
The Sat That Fell to Earth. Look at this great pic showing a Polar Satellite Crashing into the Sea.
Everyone knows Wikipedia, but there’s also a need for a Wikipedia to collect evil swearwords and phrases. I’ve added a couple, go add your favourite obscenities and curses at The Swearing Wikipedia.
Finally, some free stuff to download: Dylan Thomas MP3 Recordings, or stream some eclectic audio, mostly from the 1950s and 1960s, from Basic Hip Digital Oddio.
Until the next time, if the madness doesn’t get me.