The Premiership is quiet. Too quiet. By this time last year, Paul Sturrock had been ditched by Southampton, doddery Bobby Robson was thrown out at rock-bottom Newcastle, Graeme Souness had made too many enemies to stay at Blackburn Rovers and Gary Megson had accepted defeat at West Brom. Four big-name casualties in the annual sack race.
This year? Managerial casualties stand at a fat, round zero. For the first time since 1997, not one Premiership manager has been given the boot by November. How can it be? David Moyes has seen his Everton, fourth last season, transformed into Neverton — crushed in the Champions League, thrashed in the Uefa Cup, bottom of the Premiership.
Alain Perrin, the strange Frenchman in charge of Portsmouth, hasn’t won at home since April and relegation, as I predicted, looks assured. Steve Bruce, who spent so much to fail at Huddersfield and Crystal Palace, is doing the same again at Birmingham despite his rich promises. Fuming Souness just can’t shift his talented New-castle up the table despite the arrival of Michael Owen.
But there they are, grinning into the camera every weekend, claiming injuries and blaming poor refereeing decisions and their players.
In Scotland, things are far better. Former Ipswich boss George Burley took Hearts clear at the top of the table but simply walked out over the weekend, disgusted by interference from Lithuanian majority shareholder Vlad ”The Impaler” Romanov. Favourite to succeed him? A certain Robert Robson (72). Now that’s what I call real football! Dump the manager who has broken years of domination, bring in a septu … septa … seventy-something and really upset the fans.
What has happened to English football? Are we going to meekly accept that managers have a job for life, grown men can wear hair bands and Robert Pires can’t kick a ball two inches off a penalty spot?
No! I call for a resumption of hostilities. Get the managerial round-about moving now!
This is how it must work: First to go? Jose Mourinho. Chelsea’s official loudmouth, hardly ever wears a tie, has only won the title once since 1955, complained bitterly about the ref when his side failed to beat Everton on Sunday. Disgraceful. OUT.
Second? Arsène Wenger. Bloody disgrace. Only won the double twice since his arrival from Japan eight years ago, has failed to persuade the Arsenal bank manager to buy Ronaldinho and George Bush. Never sees anything controversial on the pitch, failed to sack Pires and the mediocre Thierry Henry for that penalty debacle. The smooth-talking Alsatian has to GO.
Third? Sir Alex bloody Ferguson. Too old. Too set in his ways. Buys racehorses. Only dominated the 1990s. Rubbish. AXED.
Sorry, talking nonsense again.
The favourites in the managerial sack race are the obvious ones. Recent form has saved some. Charlton’s Alan Curbishley, favourite to go at the start of the season at 8-1, has got his lot off to their customary strong start and is now the safest manager in the Premiership at 80-1. Wigan’s Paul Jewell, 14-1 at the start of the season, is now 66-1, the same price as Manchester City rookie Stuart Pearce and Mourinho. Bolton’s Sam Allardyce gets 50-1, the same as West Ham’s resurrected Alan Pardew — who was a squeaky 15-2 at the start of the season.
Perrin is 7-4 hot favourite to win the post-Guy Fawkes sack race. Moyes, secure at 33-1 at the start of the season, is now second-favourite to go at 7-2, David O’Leary, smooth-talking and ready to assume responsibility for the Republic of Ireland, is my personal favourite but the bookies have him at 6-1, the same price as Bruce. Chris Coleman is a dodgy 11-2 at Fulham, and, surprisingly, Ferguson is 14-1 — but he’d only go upstairs for Carlos Queiroz if things went from bad to worse at Old Trafford.
My theory? Burley will take over at Aston Villa, O’Leary will get the Ireland job, Bobby Robson will run Hearts from his Zimmer frame.
Perrin will leave Pompey ”by mutual consent” and never be heard of again, his clothes left in a neat pile by the side of the Channel Tunnel.
Moyes will survive at Everton but Bruce will finally be found out at Birmingham. Souness’s head will explode after a poor refereeing decision and Alan Shearer will take over at the Toon.
I wish they’d hurry up and do it. Three months without a Premiership sacking? It’s ridiculous!