Every Dick, Themba and Sipho seems to be having his say about what it means to be an African. They’re particularly keen to dispense their advice to white folk. But what must Indian and coloured people do to be accepted as Africans? And even a few Africans are straying from the path. So herewith the Dummies Guide to Being or Becoming an African for the Four Main Population Groups — As Defined Then and Now.
How to be accepted as a white African:
- Turn down a few million dollars to swim, do the high jump or play jukskei for some Third-World backwater, and immediately gain acceptance as the most patriotic white person since before Kevin Petersen. If you really want to impress the Pan-Africanist brothers, get Zimbabwe to offer you billions of (Zimbab-wean) dollars to play cricket for it. And accept. (Just don’t tell anyone about your British passport or that your great-great-grandfather was of convict Australian stock and that you’re waiting for a decent offer from that country before you claim your heritage.)
- Empower your domestic staff. Offer your gardener, maid/s, nanny and local bicycle patrol a 25% stake in your house. It’s probably their land anyway. That’s a 25% stake in your house, not 25 steaks at your house.
- Come on, admit that you supported apartheid. Every journey from denial towards true reconciliation begins with a first step.
- Make a donation to the Friends of the “Friends of Jacob Zuma Trust Fund”. We all know that Zuma is only in his current position because of apartheid. From which you benefited. So do this, not to condone what he did or didn’t do, but as your personal reparation. (Send confirmation of your deposit by fax.)
- Buy each of your kids a vuvuzela for Christmas.
- If you witness corruption, incompetence or nepotism by a person of colour, resist the temptation to be a racist. Just close your eyes. After all, you had enough practice in the bad old days, hey.
- Learn an African language. (No, French doesn’t count.)
- Next time you want to have a Eurocentric tantrum about the slaughter of a goat by your newly empowered neighbour, remember how you didn’t complain when some of your other neighbours brutally cut the foreskins off their newborn sons.
- Stop calling your mom and dad by their first names. Respect!
- Repeat 100 times a day: “I am an African.” And don’t end it with an “Eish!”
How to be a coloured African:
1. First, you must want to be an African. Being an American (or a Sexy Boy or any other gang member) will only land you in jail or in a box.
2. Learn that “I am (first on the housing list) because you are (not on the list)” is just not ubuntu.
3. The next time the Democratic Alliance gives away free panties, invite your neighbours from the nearby African township to have first option.
4. If you absolutely have to use the “K” word, say “kebab”.
5. If you’re not white enough for Europe and not black enough for Africa, maybe you’re Asian. In which case, move on to the next piece of advice.
How to be accepted as an Indian African:
- Take your family to see a show by Mbongeni Ngema.
- Buy a Mbongeni album.
- Go and see a movie starring Leleti Khumalo.
- Support the African renaissance. Invest in a new musical by Mbongeni.
- Go back to Uganda.
How to be an African African:
A lot of black African brothers and sisters have strayed from the African path and are showing a penchant for Western cultural objects, such as German sedans, French suits, Finnish cellphones, Japanese cuisine, American music, Australian golf clubs, Scotch liquor and the English language. Some are even buying their traditional African and Madiba shirts from China. This is okay, provided they make a monthly donation to the ruling African party of their choice.
For those who would like to learn more about what it means to be an African today, a summer school will be hosted featuring the following courses:
- Ubuntu. This will be offered by a Hutu or a Tutsi, whoever is left.
- Democracy: The African way. Facilitated by Robert Mugabe.
- Children and Africa. Led by a representative of the Lord’s Resistance Army.
- Africa and Gender. To be offered by Jacob Zuma, since he’s available.
- Health for Africa and Other Stories to Die For. By Manto Tshabalala-Msimang.
- Pessimism’s Afro and Other Hairstyles. Facilitated by the African Peer Review Mechanism.
And, if you don’t care to be made an African in someone else’s chauvinist, romantic, selective or punitive image, just relax with a good book, such as the South African Constitution, which provides excellent guidelines on being a good, well, South African.