If Vusi Pikoli (current head of the National Prosecuting Authority, until the music stops playing and everyone rushes for a different chair) and the South African legal fraternity are reading this, please heed an urgent plea from the manne of the Marico. Please, for the love of God, stop your persecution of Jacob Zuma. Information received this week reveals horrific consequences of continued harassment. In a letter written on stationary headed ”Office of the Prophet of God”, Dr Morgan Madida explains that unless the NPA stops being ”a Xhosa Tribe’s Most Powerful and Most Dangerous Weapon for destroying other Black Tribes” and Zuma is reinstated as deputy president, ”the Lord God will destroy 90% of the South African Nation, and 90% of the South African Economy, with the Earth-Quakes”. Hurry! It’s not too late!
Cross-eyed
After all this rapture, the election campaign of the ACDP seems pagan by comparison. Indeed, Oom Krisjan couldn’t help wondering whether a lamppost placard that praised ”Putting Family First” wasn’t simply an explicit endorsement of nepotism. But you can’t keep a good messiah down, and the next placard — ”Put your cross next to The Cross” — seemed much more wholesome. Until, that is, Dominee Nogmal Nagmaal pointed out that the spot next to The Cross was already occupied, by two thieves, ”malefactors” as the Bible calls them. Voting for thieves? Those waiting for service delivery might suggest we’ve been doing it for years.
Big stink
When former rugby god-father Louis Luyt wrote an article this week denouncing the cost of Deputy President Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka’s holiday to the UAE, the manne pricked up their ears. Venting spleen from every orifice, Big Louis explained that he’d owned every jet known to man and then some, and so he knew first hand that the fuel for the VP’s soirée shouldn’t have cost more than R200 000, a far cry from the R400 000 claimed by the state. And why would the manne pay so much attention to a grumpy old white man? Well, sometimes it takes a fertiliser salesman to spot the best quality horseshit.
Ignorance is bliss
The Deeyay says its election campaign is being ”ignored” by SABC television news. So, according to Lemmer’s figures, if we add the 50 or so employees of TV news, the total number of people now ignoring the Deeyay is 42-million and 50. But Tonillion (as he pronounces his name in radio ads) shouldn’t get too blue: at last count, those ignoring the SABC numbered about 6,5-billion.