Penguins in the River Thames, oak trees in the shape of the queen, the door to 10 Downing Street being repainted red and biscuits being used to resurface roads: could it be April Fool’s Day in Britain?
The national press hit the stands with a range of nonsense exclusives on Saturday that, as ever, are sure to have unwitting people ringing the newsdesk hotlines in fury, exasperation and disbelief.
Joining in with the April Fool’s Day fun, British newspapers annually run silly stories to catch out gullible readers and leave them shaking their heads in disbelief until some kindly soul points out they’ve been hoodwinked.
The Sun tabloid pictured a penguin happily waddling about on the south bank of the Thames in central London.
”It is believed to be the first time a penguin has been spotted in the Thames — and comes weeks after tragic Wally the Whale got stranded,” said Britain’s biggest-selling daily. ”Experts said the penguin, normally seen at the South Pole, may have been released into United Kingdom waters by fishermen who accidentally snared him.”
A handy map showed the plucky penguin’s extraordinary route.
”Marine biologist Lil Faroop said: ‘It looks like a jackass. They feed on sprats and fly through the water at five miles [8km] per hour. They have a donkey-like bray.”
The Daily Express tabloid showed assorted biscuits, neatly arranged in lines, being steamrollered into the tarmac, which ”amazingly help to make roads 10% safer and more durable”.
”Scientists yesterday revealed that broken biscuits are in fact the perfect material to help resurface roads,” the newspaper revealed. ”Years of experimental research revealed that crushed-up ginger nuts are the best biscuit for a road’s sub-base, as they are more porous and allow water to drain away.”
But deeper into the Express, beyond its routine agonising new twist in the tragedy of Diana, princess of Wales, the newspaper admitted that the biscuit story was, well, crackers.
Making it crystal-clear, it specified: ”And we’re sorry, but Professor Garibaldi does not actually exist and the sporting Tarmac company was in on the joke.” Phew.
The Daily Mirror tabloid was stunned to find the faces of Queen Elizabeth II, her husband, Prince Philip, and their first son, Prince Charles, in a gnarled old oak. It really was a family tree.
Lionel Day spotted it as his dog chased a squirrel. ”The exact location of the tree in the New Forest, Hampshire, is being kept secret because of fears it could attract druids,” the Mirror said.
In a move sure to infuriate unwitting Daily Mail readers, the staunchly true-blue Conservative tabloid showed workmen replacing the traditional black front door of Number 10 Downing Street, the prime minister’s official residence, with one painted a lurid shade of red, the colour of the incumbent Tony Blair’s Labour Party.
His lawyer wife, Cherie, who has a zest for redecoration, copped the blame.
The Mail said it was a ”literally incredible break with decades of tradition”.
Outraged American tourist Earl Myers said: ”I can’t believe Mr Blair has changed one of England’s most famous landmarks,” saying United States President George Bush would never jazz up the White House with a Stars and Stripes front door.
The Guardian, a left-liberal daily, revealed that Coldplay singer Chris Martin had come out in favour of Conservative chief David Cameron and was to release a now song extolling his virtues.
Cameron (39) has played up his green, modern-man credentials since taking over the main opposition party in December.
Martin, the vegan, fair trade-campaigning husband of star US actress Gwyneth Paltrow, was apparently bowled over by the wind turbine on Cameron’s roof.
”Dave really cares about the things I care about,” Martin told reporter Olof Priol.
In the new song, he rails at how recent events have ”smashed my illusions about Tony Blair/ His shoes, his suits, his terrible hair.”
It must be true — I read it in the papers. — Sapa-AFP