A great deal of concern and angst has arisen following a decision, made after a year of intensive brow-knitting by the Commission for Gender Equality (CGE). This august body has decided that male homosexual-only guesthouses are not only quite okay, but Constitution-friendly as well. Not only will all heterosexual couples and/or their children be banned from entering such premises, lesbians and single women will also be denied entrance.
The Gay and Lesbian Alliance had asked the Human Rights Commission to investigate why some 11 businesses had denied the public access to their services on the basis of sexual orientation, skin colour, gender and religious persuasion. With an elegant stroke, worthy of Herschelle Gibbs, the Human Rights Commission deflected this seamer down to third-person in the shape of the CGE, which sat around for a year and then suddenly emitted a fusillade of sweltering commission-speak: ‘Accommodation of this nature is necessary in our democratic society to advance legitimate interests of the aforementioned groups.” The CGE went on to say that it is possible to ‘discriminate positively”.
I phoned up my mole in the CGE, Cheap Throat, and arranged a private lap-dance at her workplace, the well-known Fordsburg strip joint, Pundahbar. I paid the requisite fee and we were issued with a ticket awarding us 10 minutes of ‘Private Erotic Cycle — Strictly No Touching Allowed”. A vast Chinese man dressed in black leather ushered us into a secluded booth suffused with licentious music.
I settled into my chair. ‘What do your CGE people mean by the term ‘positive discrimination’?” I said, by way of an opener.
She had already wriggled sensually out of the top part of her flimsy lace lingerie. ‘It’s all a matter of definition,” she whispered huskily, hanging one exquisite nipple in the air in front of me. ‘If you discriminate in favour of a group of people previously cruelly and historically marginalised because of their genetically implemented sexual orientation, then the discrimination may be deemed both positive and democratic.”
‘So what you are saying is that if I were to open a guesthouse stating that I would admit no one except registered heterosexuals, I would be guilty of negative discrimination?”
‘Exactly,” she whispered. ‘And try to look interested, please. They’ve got a hidden camera up there.” In a waft of perfume, she slowly surmounted my lap. Her warmth and closeness assailed my senses.
I wiped the sweat from my forehead. ‘But what would happen if I wanted to open a lesbians-only guesthouse called the Sapphic Pit Stop?” I gasped. ‘Would the CGE allow such a move given that, in the past, lesbian persons have also suffered sexual orientationary discrimination of a deeply hurtful and historically demeaning nature?”
As she answered, she moved the gleaming tip of her tongue around the enticing carmine oval of her lips. ‘When it comes to lesbians it is not simply a matter of sexual orientationary discrimination,” she murmured, reaching out while tugging suggestively at my ear lobe. Epistemologically speaking, lesbians have not been nearly as harshly ostracised as our poor brothers among male homosexuals. Most so-called ‘straight” men actually approve of lesbianism. Look at any porno movie if you don’t believe me.”
Our musings were interrupted suddenly by the sound of a loud airport-style gong. A metallic voice followed. It came from a small speaker set in the booth’s wall. ‘You have three minutes left. I repeat: three minutes.”
By now she was naked but for a slender gold necklace and an even more slender diamond-studded thong. I could see a tiny green and gold tattoo of a gecko, set aslant high on her inner thigh. Each time she flexed her adductor longus muscle the gecko gave a little forward thrust. It was curiously provocative.
She whispered moistly in my ear. ‘Are you aware of what Shireen Said has stated? Shireen Said is the CGE’s head of legal services and she says the ruling is based on a strong case by the respondents who have argued that there is no safe place to go as they were always discriminated against.”
‘Everyone opposed to the CGE decision is using the word ‘exclusivity’,” I breathed shakily. ‘They are saying that if male homosexual-only guesthouses are given the official nod, a dangerous precedent will be set. Someone like Sol Kerzner could well start setting up a gays-only Lost Cities of the Plains. Then where will we be?”
‘Stop screwing up your nose and frowning like that,” she hissed. ‘If they see you doing that on the hidden camera, they’ll say I’m not giving good service.”
‘What is more,” I snorted, everyone else will start demanding exclusivity. You’ll have things like African National Congress-only first class on South African Airways, Democratic Alliance-only barmitzvahs at the Bryanston synagogue, Natives-only Native Clubs and heaven only knows what else.”
‘All the CGE is doing is trying to accentuate the positive when it comes to discrimination.” Her breath was coming in short surges that condensed on the lens of my monocle. ‘Wouldn’t you like to have a journalists-only serve-yourself prostitution centre?”
My witty answer about the SABC news department was obliterated by the metallic voice. ‘Time is up in 30 seconds and counting,” it announced. ‘Gentlemen, please adjust your dress before leaving.”