David Beckham for Newcastle. Ruud van Nistelrooy ditto. Patrick Vieira to Manchester United. The whole Italian team headed for Chelsea. Steve McClaren to rejuvenate England. And most bizarrely of all: Wembley to be ready for the next FA Cup final.
Ah, the great myths of pre-season England; misguided tales bought on perhaps by a hotter-than-usual summer and a pretty ordinary World Cup.
Truth is, of course, it’s been an unremarkable close season too. Chelsea, on the verge of adding Arsenal’s want-away Ashley Cole to pre-season signings Michael Ballack, Andriy Shevchenko, goalkeeper Hilario, Salomon Kalou and Jon Obi Mikel, are likely to have spent more than £70-million in the off-season as Roman Abramovich and Jose Mourinho continue to build a money’s-no-object outfit finally capable of winning the Champions League.
Unquestionably, they will be the first side to win the Premiership three times in a row since Manchester United (1999, 2000 and 2001).
Vieira, off to Inter Milan from relegated Juventus, was never going to return to the Premiership, so Manchester United, for all their bluster, have lost Van Nistelrooy to Real Madrid and Quinton Fortune to Bolton and gained only the average Michael Carrick from Spurs for an inflated £18,6-million.
Arsenal have picked up Czech Tomas Rosicky but lost Sol Campbell, Cole, Robert Pires and Denis Bergkamp, all very difficult to replace by lanky, unknown foreign youngsters. Jose Antonio Reyes remains keen on a move to Real Madrid, although Cesc Fabregas insists he will not go the same way.
Liverpool have spent nearly £20-million on Craig Bellamy (£6-million), Jermaine Pennant (£6,7-million), Mark Gonzalez (£4-million), Gabriel Paletta (£2-million), and Fabio Aurelio (free). But just how will things go in the dressing room with badboys Bellamy and Pennant, even under the eagle eye of Rafa Benitez?
Spurs, intent on getting ahead of Arsenal, have picked up Benoit Assou-Ekotto, impressive Bulgarian striker Dimitar Berbatov (£10,9-million), Dorian Dervitte and Didier Zokora (£8,2-million), but everyone knows they’ll get a bad case of the trots on the final day if they get close.
And so we head for another one-horse race for the Premiership, as Chelsea CE Peter Kenyon so rudely put it halfway through last season.
The only question is, can anybody stop them winning the Champions League?
Real Madrid under Fabio Capello and his new recruits are a good bet, Barcelona may still have the legs, but, with the Italians in disarray, it has to be Chelsea’s best chance.
The shock troops; the side likely to push their way into the upper echelon in the Premiership? For me, that might just be Blackburn under canny Welshman Mark Hughes. They’ve finally tempted South Africa’s talented Benni McCarthy to come to England after years on the Iberian peninsular, with the old fox in the box, Francis Jeffers, up along side him.
The candidates for the drop? Charlton, with Alan Curbishley finally departed, may need more than Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink to keep them safe. West Ham and Wigan, despite surprising success in League and Cup last season, may not reach the same heights; promoted Watford, Sheffield United and Reading look unlikely to shake things up in the top half.
Fulham and Manchester City have done a bit of transfer juggling but they’ll be involved in the battle against the drop too. They’ll know Harry Redknapp’s Portsmouth, Middlesbrough under untested Gareth Southgate and Glenn Roeder’s Newcastle are by no means safe either.
And in the background, there’s England’s national team, after the crushing disappointment of Germany 2006. McClaren, Sven Goran Eriksson’s number two, is promising a new start despite his apparent inability to influence the Swede when he was his slightly animated side-kick.
We know that John Terry is the new captain after opening the scoring in the 4-0 victory over Greece, Wayne Rooney’s path from Manchester United has been smoothed by the old McClaren/Sir Alex Ferguson axis and David Beckham will not get a century of caps thanks to the presence of Aaron Lennon, a far more incisive right-sided midfielder.
And throughout it all, Australian builders Multiplex will be trying to complete Wembley, where everything that can go wrong has go wrong. With an Olympics billed for London in 2012, it’s not good. Drainage problems, structural weakness, bickering and strikes, another FA Cup final headed for Cardiff’s impressive Millennium stadium.
Not an auspicious start to a football season. Still, you never know, 17-year-old Theo Walcott at Arsenal may take the new Emirates stadium by storm and shake Chelsea up a bit. If he ever gets off the bench.