Parliamentary disciplinary committee hearing, minutes 3/P/24/D, contd.
Point 9: Ms Baleka Mbete, Speaker of this august House, wishes it made clear that she will no longer tolerate puns, double entendres, or any facetious allusion whatsoever to the Gautrain and her alleged interests in it. She refers here specifically to a point of order raised by a certain short fat white counter-revolutionary in the House yesterday, who claimed that ‘the shunting of trained trainees has derailed because the engine of empowerment hasn’t left the station, having been hijacked by highly placed stokers with access to the coal of big business”. This is just not funny, and everyone must shut up.
Point 10: It is unanimously agreed that the next time anyone goes to prison, Premier Ebrahim Rasool must be present. Having reviewed the Tony Yengeni send-off, the members were once again delighted by his rhythm and the anaemically festive air he brought to proceedings. It was also mooted that the premier should be deployed to any prison which has recently suffered an escape; but while the committee felt that his minstrel-esque qualities would have considerably lightened the mood at C-Max a fortnight ago, it was ultimately agreed that having the premier at both incarceration and escape would be uneconomical, given that these two events tend to take place within a week of each other, and the cost to Parliament of shipping Mr Rasool around the country, along with his pom-poms, letter-sweater and banjo, would be difficult to justify.
Point 11: It has emerged that the flowers and chocolates this committee sent to Prisoner Yengeni (along with a card reading ‘Min dae, Tone! Vasbyt!’) were confiscated by Minister Balfour. The minister is fairly certain that he can locate the flowers, but has graver doubts about the chocolates, which he thinks he may have eaten while sleepwalking two nights ago. It was agreed that a new bouquet will be given to Tone on his next weekend parole. See you guys then. Bring your own booze.
Point 12: The next point refers to Chief Whip Mbulelo Goniwe. Please note that for these records, and for the sake of protocol, it is inappropriate that we honour his standing wishes for us to call him Daddy Lash, or Mac Daddy Mbulelo, or Whippy, or Beefcake, or Kitten, even if we all know him as such and have had many pleasant conversations in the corridors with him about the virtues of real Xhosa girls. It is therefore stipulated that in these Minutes, Daddy Lash will be known as Mbulelo Goniwe.
Point 13: The Committee wishes to present a textual ululation to Daddy Lash Jesus Christ, Thabiso, what did I just say? No, don’t — no! Why are you typing —? Give me that stenograph — just —
[break in minutes].
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Point 15: The Honourable Chairperson can confirm that using a stenograph is harder than it looks, and thanks stand-in stenographer Chanelle for her help. It is agreed that Thabiso had it coming and will pay her own medical costs.
Point 16: Returning to Point 13, the Committee wishes to present a textual ululation to Mbulelo Goniwe — yes, Chanelle, we know he’s called Whippy but this is grown-up time, okay? Continuing — a textual ululation to Mbulelo Goniwe for restoring the traditional system of bovine justice. By agreeing to pay five cows to settle the sexual harassment claim against him, he has re-established the friendly moo as the cornerstone of our society, and he should be applauded.
However, this Committee believes it is important to codify bovine justice as soon as possible, to prevent exploitative young women from profiting via the shameless and flagrant possession of buttocks, breasts and other aggressively ostentatious physical deformities that force attention from men. For instance, if one gives a woman a comradely pinch on her bottom, is that one cow or two? If you wink, is that only a goat? What if she and her family are vegans: should one start shipping crates of tofu to their family kraal? And is the correct term for someone involved in a sexual harassment claim a ‘steakholder”?
We also have to address the possibility that Prisoner Yengeni and Prisoner Shaik or now serving time not because they are guilty — which they aren’t — but because there was something wrong with their cows. Rinderpest?
Point 17: Meeting is adjourned early, so that Honourable male members can rush to Pick ‘n Pay to buy T-bones as insurance against bumping into Mandy in the typing pool, who they all intend to bump into by the end of the week.