Of all the indignities female flesh is heir to, not being able to wee while standing is one of the few we can’t blame on men. Unless God really is a man — in which case, we can!
Some women, it is true, can perform this useful feat. But few of us can afford to sacrifice all the shoes that would need replacing before we developed the right muscles.
This may be a petty issue in the wider mayhem, but it’s the kind of thing that takes on momentous importance three hours into a five-hour bus ride somewhere in India, when the driver stops in the middle of the endless paddy fields so the men can compare trajectories in full view of the rice planters, buffalo drovers and passing traffic. And all the women just stay on the bus, nursing who knows what inner agonies beneath their salwar kameez. But maybe they have learned to dehydrate themselves well in advance. Unlike the female tourists who had beer with their lunch and are unable to speak enough of the local language to communicate their plight in a way that would neither offend nor amuse.
Even in more liberal societies like ours, where women are permitted to get off the bus, we prefer to cross the road and find privacy behind a convenient bush, ditch or hillock before we hobble our ankles and get down on our haunches.
It’s a very vulnerable position. Not only because you can’t run, but because you are forced to expose bits of yourself that seem to hold a unholy fascination for many of the people lined up just the other side of the bus.
So we go in numbers whenever possible and never all squat at once. There are always a couple of heads above the parapet just in case one of the erect passengers saunters across in the hope of catching a snatch of snatch.
Modesty is not a question of morals, but of defence. And, therefore, of control. Social control on the one hand, self-control on the other.
Perversely, not only do women have fewer opportunities to wee than men and take longer about it, but we need to wee more often. It’s not because we have smaller bladders, since you ask. It’s because we have additional internal organs, so there’s more pressure.
But this is never taken into account by architects, probably because most of them don’t have additional internal organs. Go to any public venue, from a movie house to a sports stadium, and count the number of cubicles for women compared with the combined seat and urinal space for men. Well, don’t — you’ll get into trouble. And there’s no need. You just have to count the number of women queuing outside the Ladies during the break compared to the line outside the Gents. What line? Exactly.
And if a man can’t find a convenient public convenience in the city, he can always find a wall. It’s not legal, it’s not socially acceptable and it’s not hygienic. But it’s done. From Calcutta to Cape Town. From New York to LA. From pole to pole. And from pillar to post if there’s no wall handy.
Far from being shamefaced about this gross discourtesy, the culprits generally defend their actions on the grounds that they have no alternative.
But that’s no excuse. Women, by and large, manage to hold their water until they can find some privacy, if not porcelain. So do most men, most of the time.
Although it’s pretty likely that, were women not required to put themselves in such an awkward and exposed position but could remain on their feet and unhobbled, more of us would be tempted to disregard social mores in times of pressure and find a wall ourselves.
It could happen. All you need is a cunningly shaped plastic funnel and lots of nerve. The nerve is something you either have, or need five glasses of wine to acquire. But you can buy a ‘urine director†over the internet. They come in a variety of designs, from the discreet ‘Whizz†to the less ladylike ‘Shenisâ€, guaranteed to break the ice at parties.
Even if you wouldn’t dream of using such a prosthesis irresponsibly, it would certainly come in handy during a long bus trip.
Imagine the boys’ surprise when you stroll over and line up on their side of the road. Especially when you demonstrate what a difference a bit of additional internal pressure can make to one’s trajectory.