‘Within our cultures we only pick what suits us best and use it in our everyday lives — lobola is one of them,” says Nandipha Mosia, a young newly wed from the West Rand.
Interviews with 10 urban, black South Africans revealed the many ways in which “traditional” beliefs are transformed in a modern setting and shape attitudes to marriage.
Mosia and her husband, Tshediso, say that culture forms the basis of a firm marriage. Lobola, they believe, should be viewed as a practice that binds two families together, as opposed to the general feeling that puts a commercial label on the old practice.
“Look at the rate of divorces in cultures where lobola is not paid and compare it to us [blacks]. Our divorce rates are not that bad and I think credit should be given to lobola for this,” says Mosia.
Both spouses agree that cultural procedures enshrined in the paying of lobola, such as guidance and counselling from the elders, are vital for young couples.
But marriage becomes a costly enterprise when it means forking out anything from R10 000 to R60 000 in lobola.
A 2005 attitudinal survey released by the Human Sciences Research Council (HSRC) this year shows that 44% of Africans believe that lobola is the main reason why people do not get married. More than 50% of African males aged between 16 and 24 believe that lobola discourages marriage.
Phephile Simelane, a 23-year-old project manager, says that lobola is important, “if you go back into the essence of what it’s about, before the whole commercialisation”.
For her, lobola is traditionally a token of appreciation from the groom’s family to the bride’s family. This gesture is reciprocated by the bride’s family, who give gifts like furniture and blankets to the groom’s family during the wedding.
Traditionally, she says, the money should come from the groom’s family and is negotiated by the groom’s uncle. But it is common today for the bride’s father simply to demand an amount from his prospective son-in-law.
She adds that the total price was previously not paid out in full, but in stages, to keep the groom’s commitment to the bride’s family alive.
Simelane says that a typical amount to be paid might be R50 000 and some people have to take out loans to pay off their lobola.
Patience, a waiter at a Rosebank restaurant, said that, among Zulus, people often pay five to 10 cows or, if they do not have the livestock, R30 000 to R40 000. When asked how much he had paid, he laughed and says a friend of his had paid three cows or R7 000.
Lobola might be lowered if the woman already has a child. One man, who asked to remain anonymous, says he had participated in a lobola negotiation on behalf of his sister’s son.
The groom’s family said they were aware that the prospective bride was not a segametsi, or a young girl, but a mosadi, a woman, who was coming with her own calf, termed “go e gapa le namane” in Tswana culture. The family said they had only five cows in their kraal, meaning they wanted to pay R5 000 instead of the requested R6 000.
Almost 90% of South Africans support life-long monogamy, according to the HSRC survey. About 18% of black respondents agree that it is a good thing for a man to have more than one wife if he wants to.
The majority of the people we interviewed on attitudes towards marriage, and even those with strongly rooted cultural beliefs, thought polygamy was an “unfair practice to females”.
Twenty-five-year old Thapelo Motshabi dismissed polygamous marriages, saying that, although polygamy is an accepted cultural practice, it should not be promoted because it violates women’s rights.
When asked about gay and lesbian marriages most interviewees expressed deep reservations, speaking from a religious or cultural perspective.
“Things like this will never be accepted in our societies because they do not represent what we stand for,” says Motshabi, adding that from a cultural point of view, gay and lesbian marriages are “rubbish”.
Letlhogonolo Mabalane, a 26-year-old real estate agent and a church elder, says the recent legalisation of gay and lesbian marriages is only effective in proving how “liberal our Constitution is”. Under normal and religious circumstances, he says, gay and lesbian marriages are unacceptable and will remain taboo in black communities.
On the issue of interracial marriage, the survey found that 43% of Africans support the practice, compared with 38% of coloureds, 49% of Indians and 61% of whites.
Kgomotso Kekana says interracial marriages are only an affirmation of power and of being politically correct. She believes the two spouses’ cultures are likely to have a direct impact on the success of the relationship.
“In general, there’s nothing wrong with them but I would not encourage my brother to marry a white woman. Our cultures do not allow it,” she added.