Gays are a guy’s best friend. Friendships between straight and gay men are increasingly common in the United Kingdom. Such celebrity couples include the stars of television comedy series Little Britain David Walliams and Matt Lucas, and Alan Carr and Justin Lee Collins, presenters of Channel 4 television’s The Friday Night Project. The striking thing about these partnerships is their equality; Lucas and Carr are not camp jesters playing alongside a straight man. In both cases, the respective halves enjoy a natural rapport, wholly comfortable with each other’s very different masculinity. The genuine affection these men share, and the ease with which they engage with each other, hints at a shift in the British male identity.
The latest edition of the Collins English Dictionary even contains the word ”bromance” (n. informal. A close but nonsexual relationship between two men. [c21: a blend of bro(ther) + romance]). Bromance only really refers to a gay-straight friendship. Close friendships between men of the same sexuality have never been an issue. It is the unconsummated intimacy of the bromance, its obvious but transcended sexual dimension, that makes it a relationship worthy of its own unique title.
At the age of 33, I have come to realise that I am a bromantic kind of guy. Most of my closest male friends are gay, and not by any design. I have made these friends through the general course of my life over the past few years — through work, going to yoga classes and travelling.
In my early and mid-20s, I was good friends with an older, militant black lesbian. When we went out we would often end up in a joint full of gay guys, where I would invariably get hit on. I thought we went to these places because she felt more comfortable in them, but later I realised her plan was to queer up the uptight Asian boy and broaden his horizons. I will always be thankful to her for that.
I’ve snogged a few men, and enjoyed it. In each case, they were beautiful and charismatic. One was an American film director, who invited me to a festival in Turin where I hooked up with a fabulous, cabaret-singing New York drag queen. They were fun, warm and intimate experiences that thrilled my ego and made me feel gorgeous. But they didn’t turn me on. Even quite plain women can get me hot and bothered when I am making out with them, yet those studs had no such effect. I am pretty much straight, and those men proved it to me. Having tested my sexuality and been sure of what it is, I have no issues with homosexuality and can throw myself into a bromance with no misplaced hopes or fears.
A true bromance happens between men who know themselves, who are over their issues and just want to hang out with other intelligent and open men. There is a mutual attraction in a bromance (why else would people become close friends?), but the fact that there is no sex is liberating for both involved.
All male rivalry is basically sexual, and given that gay and straight men are not competing for the same people, friendships between them provide a space in which egos can be left aside. My friendships with straight men have often deteriorated because of rivalry, and from talking to my gay pals I know that gay men are just as competitive. Bromances offer men an opportunity to discuss sex without worrying about one-upmanship.
Sex dominates my bromantic dialogues. Like most men, we are obsessed with sex. Whatever else straight men talk about — cars, football, politics — is just a substitute to avoid the envy and dissatisfaction that arises should they honestly discuss their sex lives. I talk about women much more with gay men than I ever have with straight ones. And given that women speak far more openly with gay men — and that gay men actually listen to them — my gay pals provide many useful insights into the female mind.
We have deeper chats too. Straight men who discuss their emotions generally do so in banal psychobabble clichés. Hanging out with gay men, I talk about my relationships and feelings in a complex way with someone who understands the male condition. For my gay pals, a bromance allows their blokey, grounded side to come to the fore. In many ways, we are more ourselves with each other than with those who share our sexualities.
Bromances are the future for men. We have a shared biology and a basic outlook, compared to which our choice of sexual partner is merely a detail. — Â