When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands, imposed by drunk colonials playing with rulers and maps, which have kept them separate, and to assume the united and equal station to which the Laws of Nature’s God and the revolutionary intellectual largesse of Field Marshall Moammar Gadaffi (Long May His Tent Pegs Remain Erect) entitle them, a decent respect for the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the unification. It goes without saying that the opinions of womankind are of no concern (and let’s watch that Tealeaf-Johnson baggage in Liberia in case she gets uppity), just as it follows that the opinions of dissenting mankind should be ignored as the rhetoric of racists and neocolonials; and we reserve the right to name undesirables as such at any time we see fit, and anyone who challenges this right will confirm himself a racist and a neocolonial. And anyone who criticises this approach is a racist and a neocolonial. And anyone who says there are too many clauses in this paragraph is an et cetera. And anyone who doesn’t know what et cetera encompasses is an et cetera. Got it? Good. Racists.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, rather like the scientific fact that the leading causes of death in South Africa are ennui and racism, that all men are created equal, except if they are women (obviously, duh!), or if they are Robert Mugabe, in which case they shall be deemed beyond reproach — indeed, beyond even the range of human speech, for quiet diplomacy requires total silence if it is to succeed — and anyone who says otherwise shall be deemed an et cetera. We … we … have lost our place. We … ah. We hold truths self-evident, along with certain unalienable Rights, like Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness; although, perhaps, in light of the past 300 years, we should stress that the Right to the Pursuit of Happiness should not impinge on the Rights to Life and Liberty. What’s that, Robert? Ah. Okay, scrap that: Comrade Liberator Mugabe (Long May His Flume Extend) insists that the Right to the Pursuit of Happiness and a comfy retirement in Clifton should be allowed to overrule the Rights to Life and Liberty. And anyone who et cetera.
We also hold the truth self-evident (although really, what is ”truth” when you get right down to it? You say Lockerbie, I say provocation. You say brutal suppression of dissent by Zanu goons, I say the defence of the rule of law. Potato, polemic. Darfur, détente. Genocide, unrest …) that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or abolish it, by means of free and fair elections, which will be monitored by the federal army of these new United States, carrying live ammunition, and a South African democracy squad, led by Membathisi Mdladlana, who shall be empowered to replace his usual findings (free and fair without reservation) and opinion of critics (”Those people are a problem and a nuisance.” Mdladlana M, 2005) with the above indictment of ”You are all et cetera.”
Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind is more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. And thank God for that, eh, Robert? But experience hath also shewn that mankind is disposed to get pissed off eventually, so best we make this thing watertight while we can, and once again thank Rear Admiral Moammar Gadaffi, Vanquisher Of The Sun and Father Of The Sand (Long May His Fro Curl And His Chin Jut Into The Eye Of Satan) for offering the use of the Imperial, er, Federal Trans-African Revolutionary Guard to police outbreaks of counter-revolutionary free will.
We commit to these things with a united visage, turned only to our respective deities, and to the common bond that transcends petty national rivalry and personal ambition.
Signed by:
Moammar Gadaffi
Thabo Mbeki
Moammar Gadaffi
Thabo Mb—
Give me that pen. Give! Gfdm mdf d !
Thabo Mbekrewrsf
Moammar Gadaffi
Oh for God’s sake, Thabo, it was my idea!
I paid for the stationery. Hell, I paid for the whole hotel.
Want to sell it to me?
South Africans can’t be bought.
Libyans never bribe.
Go chew khat, poo-face.
Go … go … do whatever South Africans do, fuzzy wuzzy.
Fine, I will.
Good.
Fine.