Shoot ’em Up
I happen to like screen violence,†wrote Martin Amis, ‘while steadily execrating its real-life counterpart.†That goes for a lot of us — mostly men, I suspect. Shoot ‘Em Up certainly lives up to its title: many, many people get shot, mostly by a carrot-munching Clive Owen. He has to deliver a baby while massacring a bunch of bad guys, then he has to keep the baby safe while massacring a bunch more bad guys, and then he’s on the run and has to work out why all this is happening, which naturally entails massacring yet more bad guys. I don’t think so many people have died in one movie since Titanic. It’s all very stylised, of course, and has no relation to reality, with plenty of wisecracks, which makes it a great deal of fun in a sick, adrenalised X-Box sort of way. This is the only movie in which death-by-carrot features not once but twice. Paul Giamatti makes a good villain and Monica Bellucci, as a lactating prostitute, at last finds a role perfectly suited to her talents. — Shaun de Waal
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
The generation that grew up with the four genetically altered heroes and their rodent sensei will appreciate the new lease on life that some spectacular CGI gives the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or TMNT. The new film wastes no time trying to squash actors into silly rubber suits; instead, the turtles are granted the athleticism, grace and ferocity that only animation can give them — after all, they are four turtles scaling buildings like Spider-Man. But what do you do with a storyline that has wound itself down with the demise of the turtles’ arch-enemy Shredder? Well, you throw in some navel-gazing and a crisis of confidence for Leonardo, some all-out rebellion for Raphael and some hilarity as Michelangelo plays himself at children’s birthday parties. Combine this with the apparent plotting of an immortal warrior and his stone brethren and you get the turtles saving the world along with some very standard action fare. It won’t piss off any turtle-worshippers, but it’s unlikely to impress non-fans. — Lynley Donnelly
