Recently, over lunch with friends from overseas, a long discussion ensued about the behaviour and discipline – or lack thereof – of children these days. Far from being fuddy-duddies, the pregnant couple in their mid-30s said they would not raise their offspring in England, because the rudeness and lack of discipline among children there was horrific.
In South Africa, children are so well-behaved and, in the good schools, they are better educated too; they are numerate and literate here. Overseas things are so politically correct that you get children shouting and swearing at parents and teachers, basically ruling the roost. And, of course, if you smack a child, you can go to jail. We are going to see the backlash for this in 20 years time, the father-to-be said.
I had to explain that, in fact, its not that different in South Africa. Ive heard many teachers say that discipline should start in the home. Even more parents claim that teachers are not firm enough about discipline, values and manners at school. Ive had children in my home telling me Im abusive because my cigarette smoke is polluting their clean air, adding that I can be reported to child welfare. When I asked them where they heard that, they said they get taught their rights at school.
But lets not judge anyone too harshly — not parents, teachers or children. This is the cultural and political milieu in which we find ourselves today and perhaps it explains, in part at least, the violence among children today. Could it be that they are exercising their rights and freedom to express themselves through violence because they have not been taught to respect other peoples rights?
Problems begin when childrens rights take precedent over all others. When parents say yes darling to everything.
Of course, you have to have sympathy for teachers too. They are part of the indulgent, instant-gratification, thankless society in which we all find ourselves. They are not allowed to smack and cane anymore — huge sigh of relief and thank goodness for that. But if they took a firmer hand, with parents, perhaps we all would benefit.
Harking back to days of old, when children were to be seen and not heard, is not what Im suggesting. I am glad those days are over and that children are recognised as individuals with rights. But surely there should be a balance?
The scales have shifted in favour of childrens rights and parents and teachers are the ones who suffer.
So, while foreigners believe our children seem well behaved and polite, they do not stay long enough to know that it is no longer true. And while we can try to turn the tide by exercising more discipline, it ends up being inconsistent because we are up against a barrage of stuff — for example, American television with unbelievably rude children as role models, governments fines for smacks and its wishes to impose fines for smoking in your car. In other words, they are removing adults rights by giving more rights to children. We also have local programmes such as Idols, where vicious and nasty judges put down teenagers and this is supposed to be cool.
But who is really to blame and is it too late to achieve a better balance? It is easy to blame the government for believing politically correct measures are right. On the other hand, it is easy for government to blame parents and the lack of discipline in the home for the violence among young people.
We live in a global community and to rail against the aspects which many of us find repugnant — rampant materialism, consumerism, lack of discipline and instant gratification — is difficult. Nevertheless, I believe we can instil good values in our everyday interactions with our children, but we should try to be consistent and cannot complain that they are spoilt when it is we who are spoiling them. So, if they want something expensive, ask them to save 50% towards it, rather than rushing out and buying it immediately. If you cannot afford it, say so. Let us try instilling the basics of life teach them to say please and thank you, to greet people with a smile (maybe thats pushing it), to have humility and kindness, and respect for adults rights too.
In the end it does not really matter who is to blame, but if we do not tackle the problems on a day-to-day basis, most certainly there will be quite a backlash 20 years down the line.