There are few things as annoying as a passive aggressive e-mail. Like Snow White’s deliciously inviting snack, these memos are shiny on the surface, but deadly poisonous within.
”Hello Lovely Lady!” they begin. ”Thanks a bunch!!!! 🙂 Xxxxxxxx,” comes the sign off. But there’s all kinds of nasty in-between.
Simply put, passive aggression occurs when someone is frustrated, but not assertive enough to express it in a direct way.
Sue Lovegrove, a chartered occupational psychologist from UK-based SML Training and Consultancy, says for passive aggressors, confrontation is frightening and carries a risk. But just because the anger’s not explicit, doesn’t mean it isn’t there, Lovegrove says.
Passive aggression seems to be on the rise — or at least our recognition of it is.
A visit to passiveaggressivenotes.com will reveal the double-edged communique in all its forms — from stroppy Post-its from flatmates about the washing-up, to staff e-mails about the state of the office kitchen. Its creator, Kerry Miller, says the site gets more than 1,7 million hits a month.
”I’d wager that passive aggression probably coincides with the rise of ‘polite society’,” Miller says.
So let’s look at some examples.
Barbed e-mails about not eating smelly food aren’t the only tools in the passive aggressor’s arsenal.
Often passive aggressive behaviour is about what you don’t do, such as sulking about your To Do list, but then denying you have a problem.
Or delegating a task, but deliberately failing to adequately brief the recipient.
Let’s imagine the window is open in your office. Rather than ask you politely to close it, a passive aggressor will make a loud fuss.
They will ask those around them if they’re cold too, theatrically make ”brrrrrr” noises, and generally moan about how they can’t possibly finish their spreadsheet ”in arctic conditions”.
The aim is to make you feel guilty for having your window open, because they want you to close it. But what they won’t do is ask you to close it.
And because this sort of behaviour is manipulative, it makes anyone on the receiving end feel angry, so now you decide you won’t close the bloody window until they bloody well ask. Healthy, no?
What’s worse, passive aggression is catching. Think back to the last time you received an e-mail which was all smiles and emoticons on the surface, but also seemed to drop you in it.
Your passive aggressor might have also gone overboard on the CCs, copying-in half the office. You feel the only option is to hit Reply to All, and defend yourself, wanting to put your side of the story. Unfortunately, that’s the wrong response.
According to Lovegrove, it’s important to recognise that they’re trying to press your buttons, so you should not reward their behaviour.
If you’re ”passive and try to please them,” you’re liable to be manipulated further, and if you flare up, ”you look like the one with no emotional control. So you actually need to rise above it,” she says.
Lovegrove calls this ”fogging” –putting up a metaphoric mist between ”their digs and your feelings”. If you hit Reply to All, you’re giving management the impression that it’s ”a couple of kids having a squabble”.
So we need to give our bosses some credit, to see this behaviour for what it is.
”People who use indirect aggression on a continual basis lose credibility and respect,” she confirms.
As for stopping your colleague from doing it again: ”Speak to them face to face, because passive aggressive people are not as brave in that situation,” Lovegrove says.
”Don’t be aggressive, but be very assertive, cool and adult, and don’t do it in front of everybody as you’ll publicly embarrass them.”
So while you may feel revengeful, quell that bitterness. This is less about arguing your point until you’ve got a full apology in writing, and more about letting them know you know what they’re up to.
If a passive aggressor is defined by their avoidance of confrontation, a face-to-face episode will be their worst nightmare. Which should mean they’ll be much more likely to hover a moment before pressing Send. —