Brüno — it’s just Brüno — has four major loves in his life: fashion, celebrities, entertainment and homosexuality (his and everyone else’s).
It is, perhaps unsurprisingly, the latter that gets Sacha Baron Cohen’s Austrian TV reporter into the most trouble. If you thought Borat bringing a plastic bag full of his own excrement to the table was uncomfortable, imagine how the people of Fort Smith in Arkansas felt when they’d bought $5 tickets for a Redneck Rumble only to see Brüno and another chap strip down to their smalls and get it on.
Cohen, almost unbelievably, is still alive and his film is set to be the feel-dirty hit of the season. But upsetting stupid people is easy — what’s hard is bringing real and lasting change to the world. So how would Brüno solve some of this season’s biggest issues?
Hello Brüno, how are you?
For a herpes-free 19-year-old with a perfect body, ich am pretty good — also ich have lost ein gramme since ich last weighed meinself an hour ago.
What are you wearing?
On my feet a pair of powder-blue Cavalli snakeskin courier boots, on my legs a pair of low-rise velvet Vivienne Westwood culottes und on my chest ze sweat und “manmilch” of a Cuban room-service waiter named César.
That Eminem incident — we think he looked dangerously aroused. What about you?
Ja, he vas very aroused. Let me tell you, the real Slim Shady vas beginning to stand up. Ich vas not so bothered. Ich vish ich had landed on Kanye Vest und he had assumed ze role of ein “Brüno Digger”.
How do you feel about Barack Obama’s first 100 or so days?
He has been okay, but Brüno vould have liked it more if he’d have set up en actual fashion police department vith full powers of arrest. Zey should be able to baton-charge anyone in sweatpants.
Would you style him differently?
Ja, ich vould set that hot body free from its prison made of suits! He should follow Brüno’s rule: treat your clothes like you would do a pet. Love zem for a week, zen stick zem in a zip-up bag und throw zem in ze Danube. Then again Obama has to vear ein suit, or else zose gay marines who guard him vould be all over him like puppies on ein dropped ice cream.
Are you planning more Prop 8 demonstrations?
Of course! It is disgusting zat gay people don’t have the same rights as straights: the right to be trapped in a loveless sex-free marriage that ends in a massive legal fight over a house. And, as for kids, why shouldn’t gays be able to adopt? Ein Third World baby is zis season’s must-have accessory and it is discrimination to deny zem this.
Could you design a car that would save General Motors?
Ich had a dream about a car made of denim! Great for parking, you just fold it up and put it in a bag. If ich had to design ein car ich vould start mit ze driver und zen accessorise. You vould build your own car every morning like you build your look for ze day. You’re vearing platforms — make ze seat higher; going to ein fetische party — build it from wipe-clean PVC.
Is Bin Laden right? Is Obama antagonising Muslims?
Zose al-Qaeda guys are so touchy! But then if all ich had to vear vas a black sheet und some sandals, I vould blow myself up too.
How would you tackle the Taliban’s takeover of Pakistan’s Swat region?
All ze problems in ze vorld and ze politicians just stumble around avoiding ze obvious solution — call Bono.
How will Brüno the Movie get around China’s internet ban?
Ze Chinese abuse of ze internet sickens me: everyone should have ze right to use it for vas intended for — porn und looking at how fat Britney’s got. If zey don’t allow access to mein movie via ze internet, then I suggest ein United Nations airdrop of it. Zis is ein humanitarian crisis und ve need to act now. Und vhile zey’re about it zey should drop ze Chinese some decent clothes. Zey all dress like zey are all still vorking on ein Olympic stadium building site.
Dubstep and electro-pop is the sound of the European summer. What’s rocking Brüno’s iPod right now?
Ich have ein really vide taste in music — everything from early-1990s techno to mid-1990s dance. Ich like literally everything from Aqua to Scooter. Recently ich have got into Pink — he’s so hunky! Ich have several playlischts on mein iPod — Chillaus, Maximum Techno Love Party und Bulimian Rhapsodies — zis is actually just Paris Hilton’s album on repeat. Brings up ze cookies every time.
What three changes would you make to heal the world?
- Ban ze elasticating of jean vaists;
- Free colonic hoses on street corners; und
- Make Karl Lagerfeld head of ze UN — he got Tyra Banks to appear on ze same runvay as Naomi, he could easily fix ze Middle East.
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