We walk into the club that’s been booked for this evening’s play party. Dress is heels, fishnets, leather.
The play master gives a brief talk: two drinks maximum if you’re going to play and the safe words for tonight are ”red” (for ”stop immediately”), ”orange” (for ”pause”) and ”green” (for ”please continue”). Everyone receives tags after signing the consent form: display the red side if you don’t want to play; green means ”ask and I’ll consider it”. There’ll be no actual sex. OK, have fun!
Some people move to the sidelines to watch, some already have partners and others wander around looking for someone to invite. I put my tag on red, get a drink and watch.
Up first is a ”domme” (dominatrix) and her submissive male. She is tying rope in an intricate pattern called a karada over his clothes and he is told to wear it for the entire evening. The karada is easy enough to move in, except for one crucial knot placed directly over the pubic bone.
Another female who is ”subbing” is tied to a St Andrew’s Cross with wrist restraints. Her male dom is whipping her across the back, which has been exposed by loosening her corset.
The dom starts by tickling her with the leather flogger, then slowly moves his arm in a figure eight. The whipping gets harder until only loud smacks can be heard. Suddenly it stops — the subbie has called the safe word. Her dom goes over and gently strokes her back.
This is the ”aftercare” that happens after every play session to let a submissive ”come down”. He or she is led to a quiet corner to savour the sensation and thank the dom or domme for the play.
Horrified? Don’t be. The bondage, discipline and sadomasochism (BDSM) community has strict rules and they are enforced. Safe, sane and consensual is the creed. BDSM isn’t merely about what is done physically; the intention is to lead the mind down the path to submission and pleasure.
Anybody who oversteps the bounds — by, for example, drinking too much, showing too much aggression or disregarding the safe word — is warned and, if they persist, ostracised.
In South Africa there are communities in Johannesburg, Durban, Cape Town and Port Elizabeth. Despite the stereotypes and the lack of information, they are friendly and open.
I joined the online community — collarme.co.za — and was immediately welcome. All questions are answered and the site carries a glossary that explains the subculture’s language and the bewildering range of fetishes out there. You can search for your desired fetish or interest and read about it or create a new discussion group.
”Moots” are held every fourth Wednesday in Johannesburg to inform the community and invite new people to join. At these, someone experienced in BDSM leads the discussion.
Moots are what I like best: seeing old faces, meeting new ones. There are no expectations, no hoops to jump through.
In Jo’burg they’re held at Cool Runnings in Melville. This month’s topic is music and play. ”Vanillas” — people not of the BDSM lifestyle — learn that a play is anything sacred between a dom or domme and a consenting submissive and that music can enhance this.
Apart from the moots, there are also parties and events, including Gay Pride and Sexpo. A charity ball was held in September, with half the ticket proceeds going to the SPCA.
I’d always thought of BDSM in terms of the Pulp Fiction gimp, suspended from the ceiling with a ball gag in his mouth. Then I was introduced by an ex-boyfriend who was active in the community and used to work at Kinx in Melville, South Africa’s only walk-in dedicated BDSM shop. I spent time there, learning how the toys are used and tripping on the smell of leather.
Even for non-converts the Kinx shop is fun to explore. The focus is on BDSM, but there’s more to it: while working there I had requests for leather watchstraps and purses, tailored suede coats and leather jackets.
I made many friends in the community; I trust them more than I would others because of the secrets we share and the hope of introducing others to them.
I’m still learning what excites me. So far it’s been the shoes. Let’s just accept that dominance and submission are integral to the human sex drive. BDSM is about expressing that in an extremely intimate way, although it isn’t all about sex.
The community strives to bring people out their shells, to help others discover their kink and encourage them out of the closet — but in a safe and consenting environment.