Lethal sums
The Auditor General is set to be called in to help solve the numerical mystery of how the PAC, which could only muster 23 votes in the 2009 election, can suddenly lay claim to having an army of 3 000 soldiers on standby ready to kill whites. Spokesperson Primenumbers Vilakazi said the while the numbers did not stack up, it was possible that the PAC had “forged a deadly alliance with Amway”. “That might explain how an organisation with nothing to offer could show such exponential growth,” he said.
Separating the Ego and the ID
Deputy Minister of Home Affairs Malusi Gigaba has enraged Independent Democrats leader Patricia de Lille by describing the design of the South African ID as “stupid” and “a mess”. “You lie!” screamed De Lille. “The ID is perfectly designed to fulfil my political ambitions of high-profile public foot-stamping without having to go through any of the bureaucratic schlep of actually trying to change government policy.”
Going out with a bang
President Jacob Zuma had to be rushed under a cold shower this morning when he was told that his state visit to Great Britain would end in a spectacular two-hour display of official pomp. “Where Msholozi comes from, ‘pomp’ means something different,” explained a spokesperson.
The bigot currently known as Prince
Buckingham Palace has admitted that Prince Philip was sent to cultural sensitivity workshops last week to minimise the risk of him ordering Jacob Zuma to fetch his slippers and a G&T chop-chop at their first meeting. A spokesperson confirmed that the Prince had begun with a module entitled Jacob Zuma: African Head-Of-State, NOT Gumboot Dancer, Witchdoctor or One Of Those New Ethnic Butlers, before moving on to The First Lady: Asking To Administer Your Own ‘Virginity Test’ Is Not Okay And Neither Is Enquiring What Her Bride-Price Would Be In Corgis.
Stick to face painting, Lulu
Arts and Culture Minister Lulu Xingwana, who stormed out of an exhibition of nude photography calling it “immoral, offensive and going against nation-building”, says artists are free to “draw whatever they like as long as it is happy revolutionaries on tractors, crying clowns, the Big Five, and Msholozi in leopard-print underpants standing on a crag at sunset”. Asked if she had ever been to an exhibition before, Xingwana said that she was “always looking at pictures”, usually of people who needed to be erased from official party photographs.
Money for nothing
Having vowed that Bafana Bafana would be the “surprise team of the World Cup”, coach Carlos Alberto Parreira has conceded that the only way his players are going to surprise anyone is by jumping out of a giant cake in the middle of the field. But, he said, none of it really mattered as he was still going to earn millions in a job where failure was guaranteed, thereby absolving him of all responsibility. “It beats working for a living,” he said.
Oh crap —
World Cup kingpin Danny Jordaan has locked himself in his toilet and is refusing to come out after an aide accidentally told him that 100 days is just over three months. “He kind of went blank,” recalls aide Nutsack Pahle. “Then he said, ‘It’s not three months, it’s a hundred days’, and I said, ‘A hundred days is three months’ and then his lip started quivering and there were some horrible churning sounds from his stomach and then he rushed to the toilet.”
Render unto Julius —
Instant millionaire Julius Malema says his last few tax returns are not available for scrutiny because the dog ate them. “She is a white mongrel bitch,” he explained. “My friends call her Helen. Whenever we are having a braai and she comes around we set fire to my copy of the Freedom Charter and we throw it at her and give each other high fives.” Meanwhile, he has accused a reporter of faking his signature, despite testimony from sceptical forensic experts who say that it is almost impossible to forge a thumbprint.