Weapon of Mass Embarrassment
Investigators have revealed that police supremo Bheki Cele is at the centre of a right-wing plot to unleash a wave of indiscriminate embarrassment on innocent South Africans during the World Cup. They confirmed that Cele had been programmed to release dozens of “cluster-cringes” in packed press conferences, causing nausea, extreme discomfort and severe blushing. “The genius of this plot is that we all thought Cele was just another brash and arrogant ANC official shooting his mouth off like a boorish prat, when all the time he was actually a home-made cringe-bomb, ready to unleash indiscriminate blushing on God knows how many people,” said a spokesperson.
Kill me now
South Africa’s endangered long-haul bus commuters have written to transport companies asking them to reconsider their killing methods, saying that they would prefer to get shot outside the ticket kiosk rather than being made to endure a torturous bus journey first. “If you knew you had one day left to live, would you spend it crammed in a bus?” asked a spokesperson for the group Bonga Sibisi, a survivor of ten long haul bus trips — including three with RoadLink. He said it would suit all parties concerned if the bus companies simply agreed to shoot every third paying customer right outside the ticket office.
One final tease
Mourners at the funeral of sleaze godfather Lolly Jackson were reportedly shocked and upset as Jackson’s casket was lowered into the ground, then slowly raised, then slowly lowered and slowly raised again as Prince’s Cream blared over speakers and a glitter ball dangled from a tree. A spokesperson from Teasers, which organised the show, told family that it was “just a bit of fun” and that anyone who was offended was a “tight-ass”.
Those were the days…
The Freedom Front Plus has called for a State of Emergency to help tackle crime. However this morning a spokesperson for the party conceded that the demand had been an attempt to boost flagging morale in the largely right-wing party. “For many of our okes a State of Emergency brings back memories of the happiest time in their lives,” said Worsie Poggenpoel. “Back when we were 18, armed to the teeth, riding a Casspir and sporting our first handle-bar snor. What’s not to miss?”
Taxi(ing) violence
Local government officials in KwaZulu-Natal say they took their inspiration for Durban’s new King Shaka International Airport from the famous Zulu king’s sense of nationalist pride, his dedication to discipline and his refusal to back down to colonialism. They also confirmed that randomly selected passengers would routinely be gutted and fed to hyenas as a warning to anyone who complained, and Economy Class passengers would be forced to run barefoot over thorns between terminals. “So business as usual in the airline industry,” said a spokesperson.
Not-so-merry men in red
The Ministry of Arts and Culture has confirmed that only half of the new Robin Hood blockbuster starring Russell Crowe will be shown in South Africa. Spokesperson Guernica Tswete said that while the South African government wholeheartedly endorsed stealing from the rich, it was “just insane” to then give stolen riches to the poor. “That is like communism,” she said, although she said she would have to check whether or not ‘communism’ was an insult at the moment depending on relations between the ANC and the SA Communist Party.
I’m alright, Jack
Local Orgiastic Spending Committee chairman Danny Jordaan has rejected claims that a R750-million cash injection from FIFA was a bailout. “A bailout is something that happens after a country has had an unexpected financial disaster,” said Jordaan. “The World Cup is totally different. We have been expecting it to be a financial disaster for South Africa from day one. The unborn grandchildren of taxpayers are going to be paying for this. But hey, at least I’m getting my bonus.”