An anonymous — but well-known — South African academic offers the following localised and updated version of The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce, and suggests we run a competition for new entries.
The M&G accordingly invites such entries. Prizes will be decided by size of ‘kickback” (see below). Email: [email protected]
A ‘Baas Jan”
The term is believed to have arisen from the practice of whistle-blowing government officials in Pretoria who, not wanting to be exposed, would have their denunciations delivered to the Public Protector’s office by an illiterate gardener or labourer, who when questioned about the origin of the documents, would simply say that ‘Baas Jan” had sent them.
Blank textbook
A very cost-effective form of textbook that is essentially a cover enclosing a book of blank pages. These are ‘printed” in anticipation that they will simply lie undelivered in warehouses, officials’ offices and headmasters’ storage cupboards and never be used by actual learners. This means that unnecessary text is not printed and ink wasted and more profit can be taken by printer, textbook procurer and various procurement officials.
Bogus print typesetting
Process by which reports and documents that willl never be released can still garner kickbacks for officials. The official gets the report typeset by a collusive company willing to pay a suitable commission to the official. Skilled officials will be able to get the typesetting done up to three or four times at inflated prices.
Boomerang
A javelin (see below) that has for some reason been rejected and returned to origin. Although a returning boomerang could be considered potentially dangerous, in practice boomerangs are usually buffered on re-entry by the usual bureaucratic principle of ‘one good turn demands repayment”.
Commission
Polite term for a bribe.
Double-dipping
This is a money-enlarging expedient whereby an employee or contracted consultant charges two different employers for the same single piece of expenditure, typically for air travel or car hire, though more imaginative variants are possible, even including whole programmes or research projects.
Double-parking
Similar to double-dipping, this practice is typical of literacy or adult basic education and training educators who teach one class of learners but enrol them in two separate (but similar) programmes, which in ignorance both pay the educator.
Finder’s fee
Bribe (sorry, commission) paid by a bank or financial institution for large sums of money being placed in the bank for extended periods. This form of bribery partly explains why large sums of money made available to government departments by donors often remain unspent.
Ghost
Fictitious teacher on a payroll list. The term may sometimes be incorrectly used for a real teacher who simply does not turn up for work.
Grant farmer
Not a farmer who gets a grant but a person who makes money from getting grants for establishing or buying a business (including farms) from which usually nothing productive comes and which are then declared as having failed or gone bankrupt. Invariably there are no consequences and the farmer of grants walks away with the money.
Invoice bloating
Inflating invoices for services provided to government.
Javelin
Where a government official ensures that a tender or other form of procurement is (usually corruptly or illegitimately) given to friends or associates and once delivered he or she resigns and takes up a post in the particular enterprise. Differs from a similar term, revolving door, in that the degree of corruption is much more intense and direct.
Kickback
The portion of the profit made as a result of a corrupt procurement transaction that is paid to the official who facilitated the transaction.
Migraine
Frequent excuse made by work-shy malingerers for their absences. The beauty of migraine is that its symptoms are easy to fake and impossible to disprove.