Is African National Congress Youth League president Julius Malema out to make a fashion statement?
At the first day of his hate speech trial on Monday he was surrounded by a snazzily dressed group of men, all clutching the latest political accessory like handbags: M14 assault rifles. At the centre was our man Juju, decked out in brown, nicely offset by the black suits and matching red ties of his bodyguards. Joining him later and wearing the colours was his fiercest guard of all: Winnie Madikizela-Mandela, supporting Malema’s right to sing dubul’ ibhunu, or “shoot the boer”.
But exactly why did Juju need five men with big guns guarding the entrance to the South Gauteng High Court? He must have been a man under enormous threat.
ANCYL spokesperson Floyd Shivambu said the guards were there for “crowd control”, while one of the debonair gun-toting men told Sapa that they were out to protect both Malema and Madikizela-Mandela.
Funnily enough, there were no protests, angry farmers with pitchforks nor even a lone boerewors stand. So why Juju needed a small army of men with smart suits and big guns may not be entirely clear to many of our counter-revolutionary readers, to whom we thought we’d offer our list of possible threats at Juju’s high court appearances.
The pen is mightier than the M14 assault rifle
We know what the youth league thinks of journalists. That we’re a bunch of bloody agents and, pigmentation and gender allowing, white bitches. At his court appearance, while there were no farmers to be shot, there certainly were quite a few journos wielding pointy pens and socially networked smartphones. They might have tried stabbing Juju to an inky death or even, perish the thought, impersonating him on Twitter. Journalists can be so scary, sometimes.
A guy with a pen in his hand and rubbish in his trouser
Remember the original bloody agent, BBC journalist Jonah Fisher? For all we know, the Men In Black And Red were on the lookout for Ghosts of Malema Appearances Past; those apparitions that would remind Malema and anyone who cares to listen about all his hysterical outbursts over the years. We’re sorry to have to be the ones to say this, but big guns won’t help here. May we suggest industrial strength adhesive tape, placed carefully over the ANCYL leader’s mouth whenever he starts to rant? It might be the only way to make these ghosts fade away.
Women ain’t nothing but trouble
Oh dear, Julius. You have said some things that have made the women of SA angry over the years, haven’t you? About how a certain rape accuser had a “nice time”. And refusing again and again to apologise really didn’t help at all. So maybe there is reason to fear a mob of angry women, from Sandton princesses who might try to clobber you with their Louis Vuitton handbags to grumpy gogos who want to give you a good talking to. Hell hath no fury, as you might have learnt by now.
Dancing monkeys
There are a number of different monkey species found in South Africa. The most common, the Vervet monkey (Chlorocebus pygerythrus), is a cheeky critter, known for coming into houses to steal food that hasn’t been put away. The more dangerous Dancing Monkey (Campaignius Zillis), found in the Western Cape, is strong-willed and determined, but easily offended, and is known to attack those that threaten her and her troop. When showing aggression, her cry of “inkwenkwe“ rings out, after which she admonishes the offending individual to get a real job. Terrifying creature.
White messiahs seeing red
There’s nothing like a red flag to provoke an angry bull, but hopefully the same is not true of red ties (snappy dressers, these armed guards are) and angry communists. Luckily, Jeremy Cronin has declared that he will be taking no further action after Juju called him a “white political messiah” when Cronin disagreed with all the talk of nationalisation of mines. Still, you can never be too careful. There are a lot of people on the fake-left that might be out to get you.
The Rolex gang
Juju may like to come across all ghetto, but don’t forget he lives in Sandton — where high walls, electric fences and security guards are all available to protect your bling. And what bling it is. A Breitling watch, worth about a quarter of a million rand, is not to be worn lightly, especially on the mean streets of Jo’burg. It’s probably worth more than all his guards’ salaries and big guns put together. Pity we can’t peer past them to actually see the watch.
Actually, forget political opponents and the sinister media. It’s your everyday man-and-woman-on-the-street who you need to watch out for. They are watching your every move, judging every word, commenting on every article. It’s enough to make anyone think twice before speaking.
We wish.