Loeries: Stop me if you’ve seen this one before

The weekend has come and gone down here in the fairest of Capes and the terrified people of Cape Town are slowly emerging from hiding in the tentative hope that they are finally safe from the orgiastic deluge of booze, cocaine and backslapping that was the 2011 Loerie Awards hosted by David Hasselhoff himself.

Yes, that hallowed weekend of debauchery where the advertising industry celebrates another year of having successfully kept the wool over the collective eye of client and consumer alike, has swept by. All that is left for the execs to do is to scuttle back to their “think-tanks” and “blue-sky” new ways of selling us shit we don’t need, at prices we can’t afford, by using ideas they didn’t come up with in the first place.

In an attempt to sell this massive monument to mind control to the public at large, the good people of Draft FCB got together and asked themselves that burning question many a copywriter has asked before: “What would Corné and Twakkie do?”

I can almost hear the collective rustle of creatives getting on the same page as one bright young spark pipes up: “What about putting Riaan Cruywagen in a hot tub with a bunch of ladies in bikinis?”

“Wow, what a most amazing idea!” they all agree.

Just then, an imminently unemployed greenhorn queries sheepishly: “Isnt that a bit derivative?”

As the frenzied baying for blood and derisive laughter settles, a defectee from Network BBDO offers the wisdom of experience: “Ha ha! I don’t know what derivative means but I do know that two of our guys raked in the awards for doing a very average impersonation of Corné and Twakkie doing an impersonation of two Indian cartoon characters selling Opel Corsas for years.”

I must break away from my overactive imagination and take this opportunity to publically apologise to anyone who I may have accidently head-butted in the past for mistaking mine for the work of those delightful, animated rajscals. I think its also fair to add that that apology acts as fair warning to anyone prepared to make the same mistake in the future. My forehead just slips sometimes.

As the white powder settles, I for one hope that the rumours are true and that the new BMW/Ireland Davenport Print Media Award for best idea stolen from an actual artist will make its debut at the ceremony and that talented local artist Gerhard Marx will be on hand to present the Loerie to the winner.

One thing I do know is that at the very least the entertainment provided by Roman’s Pizza’s Wickus van der Merwe doing his impersonation of Jack Parow Lite will certainly bring the house down.

In the meantime we can all look forward to that moment in the future when some lucky exec figures out he can use Beyoncé’s idea of using Pieter Hugo’s idea to sell cellphones or life insurance instead of female world domination. All you need to do is put Riaan Cruywagen in a hot tub with a hyena on a leash and the Hoff is your uncle.

Rob van Vuuren is “Twakkie” in Corné and Twakkie’s Most Amazing Show. He is also a theatre director, producer and playwright.

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