Order of the Illuminati
Dina Pule
The wi-fi minister will be honoured for her tireless pursuit of the golden ideals of digital migration and uncapped ADSL. Some have called her relationship with Phosane Mngqibisa the greatest love of all, and the love that keeps on giving. Pule took on the secret society of "handlers" and journalists hell bent on destabilising this coupling and triumphed – in heels. Pule exemplifies the kind of family values and job-for-pals ethos so crucial to the fabric of our nation. Her fearlessness in the face of damning allegations inspired her to serve up prawns and brownies in media briefings where no one dared to speak.
Order of the Artful Dodger
Riah Phiyega
The esteemed national commissioner has displayed the kind of leadership so often lacking in high school prefects these days. Critics have slammed her as a know-it-all, but Phiyega has remained stoic in the face of opposition, reminding people she is a woman in a man's world. Her attention to detail and empathy with the victims of the Marikana massacre has seen her hailed as a selfless leader. Her true character is revealed in her willingness to sacrifice her own future in the name of public service and the rights of people without sideburns countrywide.
Order of Things-that-go-bump-in-the-night
Oscar Pistorius
Pistorius has displayed the kind of courage and determination in the face of adversity that has won him worldwide recognition and a lifetime supply of Oakley sunglasses. Through sheer force of will he fended off the invisible burglar and lived to tell his version of the tale. Pistorius has stunned the nation by daring to go out into the dangerous Jo'burg night – unarmed. He challenged the tyranny of the Boschkop police who dared deny him his rights to freedom of movement, herbal remedies and tequila shots.
Order of the Hennessy
Kenny Kunene
Kunene's outstanding contribution to the upliftment of women's rights has not gone unnoticed. Always trying to stay under the radar, Kunene has quietly gone about his business of being a role model to the downtrodden and providing gainful employment to at least 15 women. Those close to him, however, say his benevolence knows no bounds and that he humbly submits himself to many more women's needs. Humility does come at a price though, and Kunene's haters have criticised his philanthropic nature. To which he replies: "Show me the Maimane!"
Order of a Few Good Men
Nosiviwe Mapisa-Nqakula
The minister of defence continues to lead from the front; a shining example of transparency and loyalty to the troops under her command. When the media misfired by reporting lies about the Battle of Bangui, Mapisa-Nqakula was there to set the record straight. Her eloquent answers when put on the spot saw her rise about the hullabaloo and instill confidence and respect in her abilities as a commander. "The truth? You can't handle the truth!"
Order of the Rainbow Pride Boa
Wilfred Napier
The revered man of the cloth from eThekwini, whose only cardinal sin was not knowing a gay, suffered harsh criticism from non-believers and those-who-know-gays. His open-mindedness and unassuming capacity for forgiveness has seem him earn praise from paedophiles all across the world. Far be it for us to pontificate, but Napier's annointment as the recipient of the hallowed Boa is seen as a pivotal step towards his ascension to the heterosexual hallways of the Vatican.
Order of the Revisionist
Helen Zille
For reshaping our worldview and reminding us all that the Democratic Alliance too is scarred by its efforts in the struggle against apartheid. All across South Africa business suits and paisley scarves are stained with the blood of fallen struggle heroes and for that we salute Zille. We may never have known who Steve Biko was had it not been for the esteemed opposition leader's reportage, and we can be grateful to the DA for coaxing Nelson Mandela to hug a white woman called Helen Suzman. We applaud the DA's latest electoral strategy, which raises the level of political engagement to pig trough status. Our history books will soon reflect that the DA triumphed over police brutality and cold business lunches to bring freedom in a gift basket to us all.
Graphics by Kenny Leung.