/ 23 October 2013

Pravin Gordhan’s 9 commandments (for wasteful ministers)

The revered minister of money Pravin Gordhan.
The revered minister of money Pravin Gordhan. (David Harrison, M&G)

1. Thou shalt not drive anything more expensive than a BMW 530. 
Hint: Buy a Golf 4 and I'll get my cousin in Fordsburg to bling it out for you. Dropped suspension, 18 inch rims, matte black. Like a boss. Cheap, cheap.

2. Thou shalt not fly first class.
Unless you're Richard Branson's love child, slum it in business class, okay? I'm talking to you Comrade Lindiwe.

3. Thou shalt not serve alcohol at state functions (unless absolutely necessary).
No more throwing your names away at government events. It must come to an end. The amount of bastard children floating is embarrassing. Stop it.

4.  Thou shalt not do stopovers.
Go straight to your destination. Do not pass KFC. If you are travelling from Jo'burg to Durban there is no need to stop in Pietermaritzburg. Seriously, who goes to PMB anyway?

5. Thou shalt not stay at expensive hotels.
Listen, I'm not saying check in at the Formula 1 Hotel but the goddamn Mount Nelson is off limits. For Pete's sake, most of you own more than one house anyway.

6. Thou shalt not use state credit cards.
No more gravy folks. It's cancelled, it's over, you feel me? "Charge it!" will no longer be a part of your vocabulary.

7. Thou shalt not covet the capital cities.
How in the world we ended up with two capitals I'll never know, but it's costly. I fully appreciate that Cape Town is a country but the madness must come to an end (and they should stop smoking weed). If we could just move the Blue Bulls out of Pretoria we'd all be a lot more comfortable calling it our capital. Just saying.

8. Honour the B-class motor vehicle.
Look, times are hard and our cash flow isn't the greatest. (This damn Sanral deal is giving me nightmares) I need you all to tighten up. I know our roads are crap, but at least they're better than Malawi's, so unless you're road tripping in the Valley of a Thousand Hills, hire a Toyota Corolla. It will have to do.


9. Thou shalt eat less.
Gluttony. Heard of it? For goodness sake, we're eating ourselves out of house and home. We could build a 1 000 RDP houses with all the receipts we're getting from KFC. Cut it out. The World Health Organisation says three meals a day is totally acceptable. Let's face it, we could all lose a little mass around the equator, if you know what I'm saying.