German (from Hans Mund, 30)
Two planets meet. The first asks: "So, how are you?"
The second answers: "Well, I'm sick, I've got Homo Sapiens."
The first replies: "Oh, I know that one. No worries, it'll pass."
Brazilian Portuguese (from Giulia Costa, 23)
Do you know the joke of "no me neither"?
No.
Me neither.
Norwegian (from Ole Goethe, 36)
Two whales are sitting at a bar. One of them suddenly says: "Mmmwaamm!" The second whale looks over and says: "Holy shit, you're fucking drunk."
Finnish (from Antton R, 32)
Which traffic sign allows you to make a U-turn on a highway in Finland?
You are approaching the Russian border.
Hungarian (from Andras Szirko, 30)
What do you call a man who wakes up early in the morning, wears a white apron, bakes bread, but is not a baker at all?
No, it is a baker!
Dutch (by comedian Raven Pandav, 30)
I still live at home. My great-grandparents are from India, they moved to Surinam, and my parents moved from Surinam to Amsterdam.
And I'm born and raised in Amsterdam, but I don't really have a connection with Surinam and India, I feel Dutch.
But it's a little strange living at home with those two immigrants.
Spanish (from Fernando Acuña, 33)
A man enters a store and says: "Fifteen litres of wine please." He's asked: "Did you bring a container for this?" Reply: "You're speaking to it."
Estonian (by comedian Janika Maidle, 22)
I am single by choice.
A choice made by those reluctant to date me.
Russian (from Olga N, 30)
A man walks into a travel agent: "I would like to go somewhere really special."
Travel agent: "We have just the thing: an all-inclusive holiday in Cyprus, flying from Moscow."
Man: "Nah, there have been so many plane crashes, I really wouldn't feel safe."
Travel agent: "OK, I can offer you a cruise around the Greek islands then?"
Man: "But there have been so many cruise-liner incidents …"
Travel agent: "In that case, I can offer you a coach tour of Europe?"
Man: "But the road accidents – they are worst of all!"
Travel agent: "Oh, I think I have just the ticket – a walking tour, but I must warn you: it has sexual overtones."
Man: "That sounds perfect!"
Travel agent: "Go fuck yourself."
Bosnian (from Sladjana Perkovic, 31)
A Bosnian catches a goldfish. The goldfish says: "Let me go and I will grant you one wish."
The Bosnian says: "No way, I'll take you to the pawn shop – gold is gold."
Macedonian (from Mila Damyanoska, 22)
Only 20% of Macedonians live in stress and revolt.
The other 80% live in Australia, the United States, Canada, Germany, Sweden, the United Kingdom …
Hebrew (from Rachel Goldberg, 26)
A Polish Jewish woman gets up in the middle of a flight to the United States and shouts: "Is there a doctor here?"
A nice, serious-looking guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"
She replies: "Oh thank goodness. Do you want to meet my daughter?" – © Guardian News & Media 2014